A moon ago, I was on my Tear Up Hate and Smash Ish. Only to figure out I wanted more and how to Walk the love you want ish out.
Three years after after a come up and living the love I asked for and several pounds, did I realize the boy I gifted, was nothing short of the penis I feared. As I’ve stated in prior posts, I longed for love sans novelty. At the end of the day, I’ve formulated that I was nothing more than a novelty for him. Several pounds or nah, a novelty🙄😒… As much as I loathe that, I will not take away the souls that came together. Where as, I’ll tell stories of the night he stripped for me to D’Angelo’s How Does it Feel, to the many nights he begged for my forgiveness. He may tell you stories of everything his diluted mind could configure🙄😐.
One time again for the cheap seats; I’ll forget you; but you’ll always remember me.🤳🏼😁..
Dear So & So,
Fuck you.. Fuck you for real and kick rocks with open toed shoes…On my most ignorant I’d say Fuck Everything! But everything is worth too much to me and damn sure more expensive than you💁🏼♀️.
Fuck you for trying so hard, not trying hard enough and half breaking me. Fuck you for all the times you made me tear down walls and allow me to believe in your short order schemes. Fuck you for licking my wounds that I’ve never shown anybody! – only to dig in them deeper and pour salt😖…
Haven’t you met me? On top of good looks and bomb sex, you courted after an A1 true, strong, long way and endurance riddled thoroughbred. ( ‘Tis a funny thing when we get what we want then falter through intimidation huh?)… I never asked for fixing. I never needed fixing! Never fool yourself into thinking that you used a great one. You just ran into a real one who elevated you to a half one. You still have a long way to go till you are a whole one💁🏼♀️.
Fuck you for every time I wrote my script and penned you next to me flossin on black sands off my come up. Fuck every time I put you on while your eyes stayed glossy and enamored at the fact…
Fuck you for the Silly me that saw friendship security and love. Fuck you for every time You brought me outside myself souley because you were unsure of Yourself. I fought for and loved you with every fiber. Not knowing, just swinging. Blind faith. Blind love… #shadowboxer
Fuck you for every glimpse and piece of vulnerability you asked for; Insisted for; that I fell to pieces and gave. Only for you to turn and use it against me like it was my fault… Fuck you for every time you made me feel horrible about myself when it was you and never me. Fuck you for everytime you think you’re right when you’re not. Fuck you for the small times..
Fuck me for believing you. Fuck me for succumbing to my past addiction of you. It once chained me to you as you dosed me willing and eagarly with consumption. Evil as the purest montega you were coursing through my veins..Fuck you for that itch. That high, that low, that loss of self; consumption and comedown.
Fuck you for every time you saw me as ugly when you were three times more scary! … And fuck you four times dry for being a liar. I hope you feel the burn… P.S. I’m feeling better and doing great without you💪🏼🏆.
Just like back in the day, I can stay here and Fuck you all night and day. Except now, I’m not getting off on it. Now, and just like in the end, it’s only to prove a point. Even if it’s just to myself. It’s to shake and fuck you off. Superficially Hate you, then be done with you. My name will always cross your lips. My mouth and pussy you will always savor on your cock. To me though, now you’re a haunting ghost I’m saging to release.
I’d say damn the novelty you fell in love with. But you just got the savage you envoked then provoked. Even though you try to push it out, I’m still fresh on your mind. As we all post break up search for something “different” yet familiar, I’ve got that shit that you look for but won’t find🧚🏼♂️. Blame’s on you my guy, and now I’m past. I have shown you deep & that I was never a novelty yet…. All you.
Contrary to popular belief and the way text can be misconstrued; With the most, I have no time or space for hate and animosity. Sure it’s a great release and the ever wanting proverbial roller derby match I’ll never have the tangible chance to enjoy, still it’s just pen. On that coin, I just don’t have space to care. Just like he is where he was, I feel like I Just jumped off the magical mystery tour bus into an unforgiving middle of nowhere. I have to forget everything I’ve known, loved, habitualized and experienced, and start a new everything here in Nowhere USA. I tell you I am stronger than I was; yet I am still human. Stuff still creeps every now and again🙄…. I really fucking hate that feeling, especially when I’m busy.. (Thanks for the intrusion😒).
For the longest I’ve been a lover. A soldier of love. Till now. Through every relationship I’ve had, I found a man one way – in his own way. Despite the years with him, when it ended, he was still just the same guy I met, and I, still making concessions and blind excuses for him. As much as he/they may be to blame, I have to blame myself for conceding, no? That’s it! white flag! I’m done with love. Donde estas? I’ve said countless times to my friends, if I didn’t have ovaries I’d be a gay man. They have none of these attachment hormones that women carry, yet still can fall in love, marry, be happy and have well rounded children.. I Hate it when I miss the Bus…(lol).
Boo. I hate cliches and loathe “old” American sayings. Yet now is no better time than any I suppose to allow. “You’re damned if you do , you’re damned if you don’t”… So WTF do I do?!? Being a soldier of love, a life war veteran, and a vengeful single cute female has gotten me nowhere. Neither has a vagina with a vendetta or an honest and loyal girl.
🗣Hi, I’m Cee and I’m here. Still with the same old man dilemmas
just new batteries. And maybe
Do we do what our “friends” say and never ever again believe in and dead love? Or do we still keep allowing ourselves to fall in? In this polluted day and overly saturated age, Are we better off (as men or women), hanging around a bunch of 20 through mid-aged singles that have no regard and try to mask what they truly lack? Are we better off being out and in the club with our “people” , that hate on the love and connection we have/had of our recent or ex heart? – (You know, the ones that on the low couldn’t WAIT for y’all to break up. Only for Them -le quazi friends to tell us, “Fuck them! I told you! You don’t need him/her anyway. Don’t you know how much ass you can get? Let’s go out”)! Only for them to then try and push up on said ex, or throw dirt on your name, just to get the taste they’ve been feinding from the rip.. Friends, huh?
Do I really have to dumb myself down to get along🤔🧐? Coming from a female like me that’s damn near impossible. Boredom is a killer and I welcome the one to level my playing field. (Said that b4 De Ja Vu🙄😖😒). It never happens though. I’m so over the scene and cocain fueled convos. I never knew the 80s were back until I came to Newark😕👩🏽🎤👩🏽🎤👩🏽🎤. 🤦🏼♀️🙅🏼♀️.
From where I’m sitting, it seems like before B.C. when people loved, connected, endured, learned, taught and stayed. When I see an old couple walking hand in hand down the block, share a dance moment or caress one another true and lovingly I think ‘Wow. How lucky are they. God Bless I pray for that one day’. It’s so visceral! Then I remember where I am and never answer my DM🙅🏼♀️.
It’s the most cruel of cruel worlds we are coming up in, Times have changed. Somehow I believe that damn near All of us are searching for that picture. That one to tame, tame you, balance or run wild with and one that one you love falling in love with over and over again…
Is it our expectations and assumptions we put upon of the next, – when we still aren’t sound ourselves,- that make us so “unavailable”? Is it all the over saturated fake resume options we are accessible to, – even though they are Predominantly fruitless🙄..?.. With steady season ring side seats, close enough to taste the salt of skin, I have to say a little bit of both. If you’re smart and catching up to yourselves, you’re with me.
Once again, no solid answers yet. Just the struggle and new batteries. I’ve always said I’d rather have good sex than just any sex. Although, I had a sex dream last night and awakened to a throbbing and tingling clit, I still passed off on the randoms two nights ago, tonight and the past month. I’m just not feeling it. Maybe it is because I made love & than hate fucked my ex so much After the “official🙄” break up, that I fucked him off his own dick🤷🏼♀️. In the past, one of my first moves was to “fuck off’ my ex. Now, I’m just trying to manage me sans reckless vagina. The other night I was chatted up by a hottie with an accent. He walked me home only for me to tell him ‘I don’t trust myself’, and left him at the gate. Flashes through out the night flooded to my spank bank on how good he would look and feel eating my kitty, pulling my hair and throwing me around. Despite night two of liquor and disco, then a sober third, it was still the same. I left him at the gate.. Although I wanted to smash only because I love sex, I knew he’d never live up to the session in my spank bank. Now that I think about it, I may have let him eat kitty out of boredom if I knew I’d never see him again. Yet cities can still be small. It’s too much dreading running into one dick let alone another one😐. .
Maybe another time, but right now I have no well wishes for you; no bad juju either. No, we’re not friends, we just fucked and threw I love & miss yous around ‘cuz it was a comfort. It is unbecoming of this lady to be a liar so I shant. I’ve also been taught to never speak ill of the dead so R.I.P…
Thanks for the memories & nightmares. Thanks for the addiction. Thanks for showing me my reckless self and whom I never want to be. I’ve kicked and am staying sober💪🏼. For you and the likes is some place I never want to be agian..
………. Still in search of the answer sans novelty. It’s best I pen then burn this cyber space letter instead of calling in the real goone squad & contracting hits. The (this) city has shaped up to be my biggest component and tantalizing demise.
( #NewYork I do miss you terribly; but I don’t think I’m coming back to stay😔. We can still go out and have a great time together but; I just don’t know right now😣. I Do know I love you and you’re in me😽).
It’s never too late for #rebirth. Now that I’ve released and managed my anger, here she goes. New outfit & ready to find and fall in love with her again. I may just have to show off these new bras and panties too🤔💃🏼😉. I’m starting to itch, I think it’s time to let Kitty make the decision😎.