The Other morning, 4am
The smell of the hot summer concrete hits me; I think I’m in lust😈. The humidity is sulrty. The only option for me right now is to be half naked, and pearched up on this window sill. Clouds of sour billow out through the screen, giving the rain drops shape. How I Love the way the drops and mist wet my skin. It’s feels pure, clensing. Everything about this feels, smells and tastes so sexy! Damn! The city and this rain got me caught in a love affair. Scrambling down below are the last minute feinds. “Where’s my next fix, and someones stoop to nod out on😠. Excuse me miss do you have a Xanax?” 😡🙅! In a city littered with shattered life and corporation, this window is my only solice. My soul devours the smell and feel of this 4am rain. I tell you, I can’t get enough. God I Love The city💞. God I hate the city😒. Fuck You New York and Thank You New York, for making me, a strong, half cocky, independant woman. You got me hooked on a taste, and made me too stubborn to leave. I’m just another city girl now, sometimes longing for the outskirts🏡. Until I need to run back to that taste💃🌆💞.
🙇 Palm trees and starry skies have a different smell. My cities emerge emotion built on strength and hardship . I’m in love with the tough sexy guy😌🗽🌃🌅. Figures. Now I know why I’m me😶. ❤️💪🔐 #Atomic .
Lately, my city has felt like a village as opposed to a city. I used to think #NYC was small, when I ran into people in different burroughs. I found out #Newark is WAY worse. Everyone Almost knows everyone, or someone you know. Or, – someone that Says they know you😳. And, you always somehow, run into that ex, the one you don’t like, or that one you Do like, and almost Never at a good time. This is some bullshit😒. Once again, Men drive me crazy. And the liquer only makes it worse. I may go from zero to 💯 real quick but Damn! Men can be just as erratic. They really need to cut their, “in their feelings” antics. I mean, don’t they know who they’re dealing with?? (😐 just call me B.A. –For Bad Adtittude😕💩💩)… The city made me do it😐..
City heartbreaks over Sangia.
Sometimes, there’s just nothing more to say; so I say nothing.. His dramatics to counter that, have fell nothing short of ouch my ego, devestation.
“I Love you with everything, let’s do Life together”.. ‘Life Love and War with you, is One of the hardest thing I’ve ever done’. Four, (five?), years later and a better me says, ‘No Thanks’. It’s amazing what some time alone, a big city, and falling in love with yourself again does for you.💪🌗. Come to find out, some gas Is healthy. Ass too but in this case? -NO!
It twas! -Lows, Highs, Lows. Back again now, High; Then gut wrenching😷. Solitude. The city. Freedom!! -No fear now, And vindication -What?! 😎 I’m strong Look at me!💪
🌾👀🌾👉”Baby I Love You. I’m you you’re me. Where have you been?” 👀😯 DAMN! He found me😶. ‘Busy’ I said; Then ran💃! Only to save myself of coarse, but, did I tell you the five burroughs And #Newark, are too small at times?? ✔️✔️😤.
Fuck! After NOT understanding, And misconstuing (again), his Leo self says; “that really hurt me! Don’t worry though I’m gone! Have a nice life”. Do you know how many times he’s said that?? Maybe this time he means it.. HA!! He called a week later.😒 …SO self absorbed. I go back to black😔🍻🍹🍷.. If it doesn’t matter, get rid of it. If you can’t get rid of it, it matters.. FUCK! 😩.
Don’t ch’ya know, the one I Thought about considering, told me, “I can’t play second best to anyone, I have to go”. And he left! (😳👀Portugese men😶). That came after a puppy expressed his love and distorted fantasy of ownership😠. That’s funny; there was never anyone before him, just fans😔😑. Lately it seems several men choose to claim me; although I’m not certain why. (Nope, no sex; I smashed just one). Voids filled? Nah..😔
Brick by Brick
To date, I’ve had at LEAST One great One, A puppy😕, hard love, easy love, fast love, soul love. Hate, infatuation, lust, and the devil. Every single one of those, broke my heart in some form or another. As I sit here spilling, I have to stop and ask; What Good has all that done me? Do I get any crudentials and a higher paying job? No, just this damn blog, too many drunk nights, & a kinda bad adtittude.😷. (👀 somethins’ gotta give).
When you’re busy running between burroughs, working and trying to find another job. Or constantly commutin. Or finding the best chop cheese sandwich or jamaican spot in Brooklyn or the Bronx. Maybe soaking up the flavorful culture(s) of soaking in #NYC and it’s people , we lose sight. paying your bills, stressing about your bank account, and wondering where the fuck your metro card is😤, you lose all the underlying feelings that present themselves once you stop. We all knew that though on some level right? That’s why some of us can’t sleep at night sans whiskey weed or ambien😒. The city makes me run and thrive without slowing down enough to let my past give me whiplash slaming into the back of me neck🙄. into me in the back of my neck to end up with whiplash😳!
As we get older, we get More set in our ways. The longer we stay Out of a relationship, the more we become reckless, -And stuck in ways😒. Reckless is easy to find in the city. (Gas, a limelight, a pedestle, cocky, and other ego boosters are too, but who’s counting). Being that Reckless and my single self, have been together A lot these past few months, my hopes for a real relationship, have damn near left the building. Not because I don’t want one, it’s because my behavior doesn’t fit with one. Reckless sabotaged the man I really wanted to try be with. My Portugese man and I caught up again; only to be shot down by drunk antics and old world ways, a couple weeks later. Dumb ish Shouldn’t sever these feelings, but stuck on stubborn does. (Potrugese men😤). && – My Boriqua y Irish ass reFUses!, – to give any more nurture than I already have. This is what I call a No-Win Situation. 👀😤 Curses!!. Currently, I’m doing my best to change my ways. It’s Friday night, I’m Off, and I’m at home spilling to you guys 💁.
Knowing a lot of people in my industry only Helps the gas, and ass intake, I absorb on a regular. Smiles and besos every night of coarse, but who really means it? Some of these people Are my #family; some just blur into the crowd. Am I a cocky bitch for wanting my circle small? The noteriety gives you a false sense of cocky. The Gasss leads you to think you’re entitled. For some, the koolaid makes them think they’re better than😣. How do you find tangible real in a sea of plastic? None of this is easy to navigate, when all of us beautiful people, are charming, latino and Brazillian (Aaay😏😄🙈!). Out of All the people I have met, and the options I’ve had, none have made me feel like I Wanna change, till now. If I Don’t pursue it even a little bit, that would be doing an injustice to myself, no?.. Maybe it’s Not him, it’s Me ready for change.
It’s Sunday now. Last night, my Portuguese man and I, pushed the drunk shit aside and got real. After that, hand in hand we walked home. Had a lil sex, then passed out in each others arms. I dreamt about him all night, then woke up in his arms. I’m thinking this is what I want. It’s a different feel. One I can’t help but want to half overdose on. I’ll have this man, O yes; I will have this man. Even if it’s just for now.. Maybe that’s my cocky speaking. Maybe that’s my confidence speaking. Either way, it’s definitely the city… With or Without him or anyone, Le saga continues… 🌃👯
Sometimes I wonder if things would be different in another city. Sometimes I wonder what would’ve been if I didn’t leave Queens. As much as New York revives me and I thrive, I was on the brink of a breakdown. I’ve found that men And women in the cities of Jersey are…well… about nothing but themselves no matter the repercussions. Coming back to Jersey, although fun for a hot second, proved worst of the worst. I’m currently strategizing my next move. I feel like I lost the woman I fought so hard to find and build. Do I need to go back to New York even though all I want is off this coast?
Unlike the burroughs, there’s really no true diversity in Jerseys’ cities. You’ll find more people hating within themselves, and doing NOTHIN, rather then trying to Truely make somethin. They’d rather just try and get over instead of being someone worth anything genuine for self or others. Like, they’re stuck and OK with that. Kinda reminds me of a bad John Cougar Meloncamp song. It’s a terrible, old views bubble, back woods town, just on a coast line. You either get out or die here. Yeah sure the suburbs are beautiful out here, but if you Don’t have the For Real Money to live in suburbia, you’re stuck in a less than mediocre city. Do you find love, goals, or genuine relationships of any kind in that environment? Not me, I’m too real to be living so fake. Sure I’ve met a sprinkle of great people out here but none that are A1. I love Jersey I do. You can have any atmosphere you desire within a 20-40 minute drive! Other than that, I wanna know how people are living in Other cities. Are folks plastic everywhere, or is it just the east, (and west) coasts?
Maybe I’m looking for a different smell, a different flavor to get myself back! A new love affair in a new city city, sans winter. A New Yorker I’ll always be. Frank Sinatrea said if I can make it there I’ll make it anywhere. That’s all the gas I need now. Better get going…