Gasss and The City.

The Other morning, 4am

The smell of the hot summer concrete hits me; I think I’m in lust๐Ÿ˜ˆ. The humidity is sulrty. The only option for me right now is to be half naked, and pearched up on this window sill. Clouds of sour billow out through the screen, giving the rain drops shape. How I Love the way the drops and mist wet my skin. It’s feels pure, clensing. Everything about this feels, smells and tastes so sexy! Damn! The city and this rain got me caught in a love affair. Scrambling down below are the last minute feinds. “Where’s my next fix, and someones stoop to nod out on๐Ÿ˜ . Excuse me miss do you have a Xanax?” ๐Ÿ˜ก๐Ÿ™…!  In a city littered with shattered life and corporation, this window is my only solice. My soul devours the smell and feel of this 4am rain. I tell you, I can’t get enough. God I Love The city๐Ÿ’ž. God I hate the city๐Ÿ˜’. Fuck You New York and Thank You New York,  for making me, a strong, half cocky, independant woman. You got me hooked on a taste, and made me too stubborn to leave. I’m just another city girl now, sometimes longing for the outskirts๐Ÿก. Until I need to run back to that taste๐Ÿ’ƒ๐ŸŒ†๐Ÿ’ž.

๐Ÿ™‡ Palm trees and starry skies have a  different smell. My cities emerge emotion built on strength and hardship . I’m in love with the tough sexy guy๐Ÿ˜Œ๐Ÿ—ฝ๐ŸŒƒ๐ŸŒ…. Figures. Now I know why I’m me๐Ÿ˜ถ. โค๏ธ๐Ÿ’ช๐Ÿ” #Atomic . 

  Lil Portugal

Lately, my city has felt like a village as opposed to a city. I used to think #NYC was small, when I ran into people in different burroughs. I found out #Newark is WAY worse.  Everyone Almost knows everyone, or someone you know. Or, – someone that Says they know you๐Ÿ˜ณ. And, you always somehow, run into that ex, the one you don’t like, or that one you Do like, and almost Never at a good time. This is some bullshit๐Ÿ˜’. Once again, Men drive me crazy. And the liquer only makes it worse. I may go from zero to ๐Ÿ’ฏ real quick but Damn! Men can be just as erratic. They really need to cut their, “in their feelings” antics.  I mean, don’t they know who they’re dealing with?? (๐Ÿ˜ just call me B.A. –For Bad Adtittude๐Ÿ˜•๐Ÿ’ฉ๐Ÿ’ฉ)… The city made me do it๐Ÿ˜..

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

City heartbreaks over Sangia.

Sometimes, there’s just nothing more to say; so I say nothing.. His dramatics to counter that, have fell nothing short of ouch my ego,  devestation.

“I Love you with everything, let’s do Life together”..  ‘Life Love and War with you, is One of the hardest thing I’ve ever done’. Four, (five?), years later and a better me says, ‘No Thanks’. It’s amazing what some time alone, a big city, and falling in love with yourself again does for you.๐Ÿ’ช๐ŸŒ—. Come to find out, some gas Is healthy. Ass too but in this case? -NO!

It twas! -Lows, Highs, Lows. Back again now, High; Then gut wrenching๐Ÿ˜ท. Solitude. The city. Freedom!! -No fear now, And vindication -What?! ๐Ÿ˜Ž I’m strong Look at me!๐Ÿ’ช

๐ŸŒพ๐Ÿ‘€๐ŸŒพ๐Ÿ‘‰”Baby I Love You. I’m you you’re me.  Where have you been?” ๐Ÿ‘€๐Ÿ˜ฏ DAMN! He found me๐Ÿ˜ถ. ‘Busy’ I said; Then ran๐Ÿ’ƒ! Only to save myself of coarse, but, did I tell you the five burroughs And #Newark, are too small at times?? โœ”๏ธโœ”๏ธ๐Ÿ˜ค.

Fuck! After NOT understanding, And misconstuing (again), his Leo self says; “that really hurt me! Don’t worry though I’m gone! Have a nice life”. Do you know how many times he’s said that?? Maybe this time he means it.. HA!! He called a week later.๐Ÿ˜’ …SO self absorbed. I go back to black๐Ÿ˜”๐Ÿป๐Ÿน๐Ÿท.. If it doesn’t matter, get rid of it. If you can’t get rid of it, it matters.. FUCK! ๐Ÿ˜ฉ.

     Don’t ch’ya know, the one I Thought about considering, told me, “I can’t play second best to anyone, I have to go”. And he left! (๐Ÿ˜ณ๐Ÿ‘€Portugese men๐Ÿ˜ถ).  That came after a puppy expressed his love and distorted fantasy of ownership๐Ÿ˜ . That’s funny; there was never anyone before him, just fans๐Ÿ˜”๐Ÿ˜‘. Lately it seems several men choose to claim me; although I’m not certain why. (Nope, no sex; I smashed just one). Voids filled? Nah..๐Ÿ˜”

Brick by Brick

To date, I’ve had at LEAST One great One, A puppy๐Ÿ˜•, hard love, easy love, fast love, soul love. Hate, infatuation, lust, and the devil. Every single one of those, broke my heart in some form or another. As I sit here spilling, I have to stop and ask; What Good has all that done me? Do I get any crudentials and a higher paying job? No, just this damn blog, too many drunk nights, & a kinda bad adtittude.๐Ÿ˜ท. (๐Ÿ‘€ somethins’ gotta give). 

  When you’re busy running between burroughs, working and trying to find another job. Or constantly commutin. Or finding the best chop cheese sandwich or jamaican spot in Brooklyn or the Bronx.  Maybe soaking up the flavorful culture(s) of soaking in #NYC and it’s people , we lose sight. paying your bills, stressing about your bank account, and wondering where the fuck your metro card is๐Ÿ˜ค, you lose all the underlying feelings that present themselves once you stop. We all knew that though on some level right? That’s why some of us can’t sleep at night sans whiskey weed or ambien๐Ÿ˜’. The city makes me run and thrive without slowing down enough to let my past give me whiplash slaming into the back of me neck๐Ÿ™„.  into me in the back of my neck to end up with whiplash๐Ÿ˜ณ!

As we get older, we get More set in our ways. The longer we stay Out of a relationship, the more we become reckless, -And stuck in ways๐Ÿ˜’. Reckless is easy to find in the city. (Gas, a limelight, a pedestle, cocky, and other ego boosters are too, but who’s counting). Being that Reckless and my single self, have been together A lot these past few months, my hopes for a real relationship, have damn near left the building. Not because I don’t want one, it’s because my behavior doesn’t fit with one. Reckless sabotaged the man I really wanted to try be with. My Portugese man and I caught up again; only to be shot down by drunk antics and old world ways, a couple weeks later. Dumb ish Shouldn’t sever these feelings, but stuck on stubborn does. (Potrugese men๐Ÿ˜ค). && – My Boriqua y Irish ass reFUses!, – to give any more nurture than I already have. This is what I call a No-Win Situation. ๐Ÿ‘€๐Ÿ˜ค Curses!!.  Currently, I’m doing my best to change my ways. It’s Friday night, I’m Off, and I’m at home spilling to you guys ๐Ÿ’.

    #InMyWoes

Knowing a lot of people in my industry only Helps the gas, and ass intake, I absorb on a regular. Smiles and besos every night of coarse, but who really means it? Some of these people Are my #family; some just blur into the crowd. Am I a cocky bitch for wanting my circle small?  The noteriety gives you a false sense of cocky. The Gasss leads you to think you’re entitled. For some, the koolaid makes them think they’re better than๐Ÿ˜ฃ. How do you find tangible real in a sea of plastic? None of this is easy to navigate, when all of us beautiful people, are charming, latino and Brazillian (Aaay๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ˜„๐Ÿ™ˆ!). Out of All the people I have met, and the options I’ve had, none have made me feel like I Wanna change, till now. If I Don’t pursue it even a little bit, that would be doing an injustice to myself, no?.. Maybe it’s Not him, it’s Me ready for change.

It’s Sunday now. Last night, my Portuguese man and I, pushed the drunk shit aside and got real. After that, hand in hand we walked home. Had a lil sex, then passed out in each others arms. I dreamt about him all night, then woke up in his arms. I’m thinking this is what I want. It’s a different feel. One I can’t help but want to half overdose on. I’ll have this man, O yes; I will have this man. Even if it’s just for now.. Maybe that’s my cocky speaking. Maybe that’s my confidence speaking. Either way, it’s definitely the city…        With or Without him or anyone, Le saga continues… ๐ŸŒƒ๐Ÿ‘ฏ

                                            #IBeenDownSoLongItLookLikeUpToMe

Sometimes I wonder if things would be different in another city. Sometimes I wonder what would’ve been if I didn’t leave Queens. As much as New York revives me and I thrive, I was on the brink of a breakdown. I’ve found that men And women in the cities of Jersey are…well… about nothing but themselves no matter the repercussions. Coming back to Jersey, although fun for a hot second, proved worst of the worst. I’m currently strategizing my next move. I feel like I lost the woman I fought so hard to find and build. Do I need to go back to New York even though all I want is off this coast?

Unlike the burroughs, there’s really no true diversity in Jerseys’ cities. You’ll find more people hating within themselves, and doing NOTHIN, rather then trying to Truely make somethin. They’d rather just try and get over instead of being someone worth anything genuine for self or others. Like, they’re stuck and OK with that. Kinda reminds me of a bad John Cougar Meloncamp song. It’s a terrible, old views bubble, back woods town, just on a coast line. You either get out or die here. Yeah sure the suburbs are beautiful out here, but if you Don’t have the For Real Money to live in suburbia, you’re stuck in a less than mediocre city. Do you find love, goals, or genuine relationships of any kind in that environment? Not me, I’m too real to be living so fake. Sure I’ve met a sprinkle of great people out here but none that are A1. I love Jersey I do. You can have any atmosphere you desire within a 20-40 minute drive! Other than that, I wanna know how people are living in Other cities. Are folks plastic everywhere, or is it just the east, (and west) coasts?

Maybe I’m looking for a different smell, a different flavor to get myself back! A new love affair in a new city city, sans winter. A New Yorker I’ll always be. Frank Sinatrea said if I can make it there I’ll make it anywhere. That’s all the gas I need now. Better get going…

 

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EXsposed

“Love can mend your life, and Love can break your heart.” – Sting. (Message in a bottle).

I wonder, if he calls All his ex’s like he does me.

“i jus wanted to hear your voice”.. After a hang up, 3 missed calles, and the call me back asap. Important, text. (I hate it when he knows I’ll call him back after that๐Ÿ˜’๐Ÿ”’๐Ÿ˜ค).   

I can’t lie, a part of me #Loves his adoration; until…๐Ÿ˜”.. Anyway,

Do you think he tells them, “you’re mine forever. I’m your number 1. There’s only me for you”? …and all the rest he says. Did๐Ÿ™ˆ. Does!?!๐Ÿ™‰ ๐Ÿ™Š๐Ÿ™ˆ. 

Lol, he prolly does. Matter o fact, I can almost gaurentee it. (So UnOriginal). ๐Ÿ˜•๐Ÿ‘Ž.  (Such a turn off๐Ÿ˜•๐Ÿ‘Ž).

Do you think he attempts to swirl his tounge around the straw, and make suggestive gestures with his lips, mouth, tounge and, when he wants their attention? Lol probably. He always does it to me. ๐Ÿ˜‚! He’ll never know what I really think. Funny thing is, really that’s all he cares about. The best part is, I can care Less. The sad part? Those bottom feeders believe him. Ha! If only they knew..๐Ÿ˜†๐Ÿ˜Ž๐Ÿ™Š. 

About 4 years ago, he put his hand around my neck. Pressed me up against the wall in that hallway on Myrtle, and got breath to breath. He told me, “you ain’t neva leavin me”.. He’s so dramaticโ™Œ๏ธ.๐Ÿ˜–. Love him I do, it just hurts too much. No one needs Any of that. ๐Ÿ’ƒ๐Ÿ’ƒ! His mouth is the Worst. So I say he might have pimp tendendancies๐Ÿ™‡. Nah. He’s just abusive and insecure.๐Ÿ’

Funny how things change, yet they stay the same. Seems I run from, and he runs to.. I Had a dependancy to run to him when my world got too real. But him Never being there when it count, made me never need him. I’m sober off him now. That addiction, afliction, is past. It scares him the most; but he’ll get over it.  

 No wait!! Do you think he bends down and kisses them on the cheek n forehead, like he does me? The only reson I blush is because it was him at his truest, to me. A moon ago, I used to kiss his forehead when I left out while he was asleep.. It woke him just enough to know. (God how I love that๐Ÿ™‡. Le Sigh๐Ÿ˜Œ๐Ÿ’๐Ÿ˜ฉ๐Ÿ˜„..๐Ÿ˜’).

Eh fuck it. Girls go. Go on and have em. Have all his tornado storm mess, housed in a half presented package. Please Neva forget, at the root of his heart, there’s me. A piece of his soul? That’s me too.. Don’t be mad, cuz I never asked for this position. It just happened.. To the both of us. #NowWereEven #TheEnd .

I’m Sure he tells you the same thing.

Only this time though, he ment it… Only after I left him. (O the irony๐Ÿ˜ฉ๐Ÿ˜ค).๐Ÿ˜Ž.    

   End Game 

The secret to my success, is learning how to be alone and happy, with myself. Doing for myself, and making, myself.. None of that said him. So here I am on my own two. Overall, do you know how long I been happy for? Since I let him go. 

I am human though, so I had to ask. Do you think he does to them, what he did/does to me? 

Probably. Don’t believe the hype girls..

No points for being unoriginal..  

My world turned, so I left him there. I’m sure he says what he says, to all the girls. How boring. How typical.

….NEXT!!

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Next Chapter.. Decisions, Dick and Liquer.

I swear, if only, I wrote down all the shit I came up with drunk, I’d have a book deal…๐Ÿ˜ค Anyhow…

It’s 1am in my city. I’m outta work early for a wednesday night. Since I don’t have my balcony, fire escape, or my old stoop๐Ÿ˜”, I’m decompressing outside at a lil spot down the block. Sangria? Checkโœ”๏ธ..

As an impressive mixologist๐Ÿ˜Ž; Lately, I’ve been entertaining sO many people, that on my off time, all I wanna do is be alone. I’m self sufficient, I learned how to be.. Any limelight now, can be a lonely place when you’re searching for pure. Fun? Yes, Lots๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ‘Œ. Things get boring after awhile though. Dick is everywhere, (So is the Liquer๐Ÿ˜), yet I don’t want none really. I’m bored with fucking, it’s so easy. Not all of it worth it. If I’ve learned anything in the past 6 months, is that convienience, is the devil๐Ÿ˜•. The struggle is real๐Ÿ’ฉ. 

 I had this one, let’s call him Not Important. When he was with me; that’s all there was for him. When I wasn’t with him, he made ways to be in my presence. I delt and let him eat my kitty cuz I was bored.. He rubbed  my head, touched me like I was his teenage dream. His kisses, so pure. You’d swear he was tryina make up for all I been through. If I knew better, I’d tell you this is the kinda man I should aquire. Yet.. Well.. Honestly? Sometimes, He irks my every nerve, and sceeves me out๐Ÿ˜ฐ. Not cuz he seemed “decent enough”, it’s cuz he’s a creep and 3/4 crazy! (๐Ÿ˜ฐ๐Ÿ˜ท๐Ÿ˜–) . He’s really a good guy though. Just not for me. I can’t settle here.  ๐Ÿ˜•๐Ÿ”’๐Ÿ”’โณโณ.. ๐Ÿ™‡ Maybe I need to start fucking that winter dick again. That was good at least; and no strings. He was a mess too though. Seems guys can’t have a good sex game, And be accomplished too. For shame.

The other one, I tell you he’s not important too. Yet somehow, my heart had been wrestling for a few years. He’s a hot mess of man issues I have no care to fix. He too sceeves me sometimes but.. Anyway, Thank God that’s over. I’m looking forward to my next new love.

In the #meantime, there’s liquer, sex, and nightlife.๐Ÿ˜..

I’m thinkin, Most men, drive me crazy. They never listen. They get All stuck on themselves, and stuck in Their feelings; Then flip it on the woman. She this She that!  NO,  #SHE jus rejected you in some way; and now u Feel some type a way๐Ÿ’. Phuck all you hoes๐Ÿ‘Š. #JustTheFacts  . The “relationships” that have been offered in the past several months, are none I care to entertain; simple. Not the, she’s single so there’s something wrong shit. Why settle for title sake? Not me, we’d wind up hating each other, and I’d shit all over you๐Ÿ˜•… Pac wasn’t lying when he said, ” I’m so harsh, because I’m so sensitive”..    I can relate๐Ÿ˜’. A blessing and a curse; So I ride..  #YouAintShit 

 Le Dear John …

#DearBoys๐Ÿ“๐Ÿ“ Fuck yo feelings. J Last time I checked, I was single๐Ÿ˜ณ๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿ˜Ž. Get TF Out ch’YR feelings๐Ÿ”…  Fuck the other ones feelings cuz he fell in love, and I didn’t. Fuck the crazy AND Delusional bitches๐Ÿšท๐Ÿšฏ๐Ÿ˜ท. Phuck this one, that one๐Ÿ‘†; that one,๐Ÿ‘‡ And that ones,๐Ÿ‘‰ feelings too. Fuck the men that love me, yet be somewhere else. Fuck the ones that pull petty ish for a girls attention. Fuck that ex that ALWAYS comes back, and throws a monkey wrench when you’re most happy, & off him๐Ÿ˜ค.  O And the other ones too! ๐Ÿ‘‰Mad cuz I won’t fuck you, like you, text you, call you talk to you, make time for you. Actin like I lied. I told you I was busy! If it was me reading the signs, I’d say yall the extra, not us… (In my mortal kombat voice) – Harley, Wins๐Ÿ‘Š๐Ÿ˜Œ๐ŸŽŽ..

 I’d tell you I felt bad; but I don’t. J told me, “everyone gets hurt sometimes”. He has to be right. Right? I had my turn already, now it’s theirs. I’m not lookin for restitution, I’m lookin for reciprocation. My mind’s made up, no turning back. Anyone trampled on (unintentionally), in the #Meantime; my condolences……Really…..

When I die, let em know, all I wanted to do in life is create art. And die Full, with a smile on my faceโœŠ.. 

      Over a few Coronas and Jameson, my Brazillian friend told me, he’s looking for substance too. He said, “I’m charming in Brazillian”. That made sense to me. I can be charming in english, yet it’s draw holds no weight for me. It’s boring. He concured. At least I know somewhere out here, there are still men who want substance. Just not the ones I choose๐Ÿ˜’.. 

Sex got sO boring with one, I asked him to choke me. I thought trying something new would make me interested. He sucked  at it. He layed down and asked me to get on top. I told him, ‘I don’t ride lame dick’. Then fell asleep.. I bagged him several times after that too. Bordom n convienience๐Ÿ˜ถ. How can I respect you, when you don’t respect yourself? ๐Ÿ˜. I can’t respect myself if I kept up a charade.  Does any of this make sense to you? 

Last night, I had an aquaintances’ beer muscles tell me all about myself๐Ÿ˜’. Although it was nice to recieve compliments on my woman; this is the type of ish that irks me. In a nutshell, I should have a stable man; I’m too independant. Maybe but; true or false? ๐Ÿ‘‰Life teaches us NOT to, depend on others..? True. So that’s what I do. Maybe it is harsh for some to handle. It’s not impenetrable though. All it takes is the right one. He who Knows how to handle (me), and himself.. Tell em I’m lookin for em๐ŸŒพ๐Ÿ‘€๐ŸŒพ๐Ÿ’ฉ.  

  I’ve seen and know, Over the top women who stand in their own way. I’m not her. Show me a good man that I’m attracted to, and I’ll show him the best.   I’ll comprimise to coexist because I want to. In the #meantime, there’s liquer sex and night life..๐Ÿ˜ถ   

   

….there’s more to life than this…      Back to this pitcher of Sangria๐Ÿ˜……๐Ÿ˜•….๐Ÿ˜Œ๐Ÿ‘… Buenos noche cruel world. 

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War Paint

(I may have written this two years ago, but it’s relevance is infinite). #DontBeARacist

Pretty Logic X

Note to reader. If you are sensitive to race related conversation, thisย entry is not for you.This writting is in NO way discriminatory to any person, of any race or culture. Simply, it is my story. My experience, and what Iโ€™ve been through. If any of that may be offensive to you, kindly keep it movin.

It took me a long time to be comfortable in my skin. Even now I have my moments. But still, I know who I am. No one can define me, and only God can judge me. Even with that, when youโ€™re being discriminated against by someone you loved, it hurts even more.

Being that weโ€™re speaking on โ€œraceโ€, I see it fitting to tell you a little about me. Iโ€™m half puerto rican, half irish. A sliver american indian. Fair skin, blonde hair, green eyes; it wasnโ€™t until I started dying my hair black twoโ€ฆ

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Random In the Ways

A woman is a woman, and that’s how it’s going to be. Women are allowed to change their mind, love, fuck, rule and talk shit in/about Her world, because She made it. We go through #TheMost shit, and are still expected to be perfect beacons of nurture and sexuality for our counterparts. “They” say, She can’t fuck up, she can’t speak (the way I do), and she Can’T blah blah blah blah. Mmm-mmm; No. Last time She checked, She’s making her Own way, so CTFU.
It seems lately, Everyone on social media is a fucking critic or a philosophical guru..Everyone’s got the All the answers for Others, yet their lives are unstable or less than desirable. Some don’t even have a G.E.D, yet they’re preaching to the rest how to move. Who do we think we are? MOST need to get off their high horse. Too many have the same hopelessly clueless sheep type followers, to like and gas the dumb shit. If you have a platform, use it to the best of your ability, not to look dumb. But Hey, that’s the herd.

I deal with and all types of people, so I never judge; I learn. More of us need new friends, to ctfu, and to implement that No Judge Zone more. ๐Ÿ’กLearn, have knowledge; Check Your position; -ThEN call it how you see it. Stop being like the ugly fat guy, posted up at the bar with his other ugly friends. Here he goes calling a female fat, ugly, and, -All coz she looked past him. Here she is in the cutest outfit at 5’7 and 165. He’s in 3 day old jeans, stank breath, beer gut and no ass, stubby legs, and sweating through his shirt. 5’9 and 270. Did I say bad hair?? EEK WHAT?! Dead. Men I’m Done! Do not speak or act On Shit when you have No Place To..

012     Men do you do this๐Ÿ‘†๐Ÿ‘†!? Yet women are the ones with something to prove๐Ÿ˜ณ๐Ÿ˜’. I feel bad for that girl๐Ÿ‘†. Men cluck a woman is This a woman is That. Bruh -what do YOU know about a REAL Woman?! You don’t even know the man You are yet. Some men post, “It’s a mans job to respect a woman. But it’s a woman’s job to give him something to respect” .After that post it’s “Fuck buddies only, I just care about my dick” OR plain Thirsty posts for sum pussy. What?! Give US Something to #Respect. Women are life incarnate so respect That! Muthaa fucccaaa… Man Or Woman, if you carry yourself like a fuck pig, a ratchet thot, hood rat, betta than booshie, or piece of shit? -Then that’s how I will treat or see you. Am I the Only One who feels my intelligence is being insulted?๐Ÿ‘Ž

๐Ÿ’ฌLemme tell you a lil story about Blu. You may know him, his brother, or nephew, depending on your neighborhood. He’s the 50 something year old man that does nothing but post up at the corner store All day, in his old ass musty lookin’ Denali with rims, bumpin’ Biggie. He’s got the nerve to get outta the truck with his dirty lookin self; Pants saggin, hoodie vest combo, and every other thing he Shouldn’t have on at 50 something. This one creep type rolls past girls and STRAIGHT GRILLS as we walk down the block. (YIKES!!!) Talkin shit and smackin lips like he wanna know somebody. (Who The??!). Blu goes as far as creeping past her house, music bumpin, head turned Grillin. Mutha fucca I don’t even know you, can’t a girl just sit on her stoop?! #CREEP!! Y’all know this guy??๐Ÿ˜ฉ๐Ÿ™…

#NewRule: The only older men that are aloud to be sitting in their VAN playing loud reggae, calipso and all day; are the dollar van guys. They’re making money. Any man that is now 30 and up, that Still dresses this way DAILY, AND is posted up on the corner, all day everyday, – AND he Ain’t hustlin?? GOTS TA GO.๐Ÿšฏ  Gentlemen, meet Blu; he is your future. At least he got a ride though. lol smh..
Vagina disclaimer!-Grown men that rock this sexy AF look, when they’re NOT at work all day, rock it crispy and clean. Please sexy men, Keep that shit up๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿ‘.

Nothing is better than a smart man who knows how to, What he speaks on, And knows how to dress. This here is not to Bash men. I love men; Lord do I. Sometimes though, I want to choke them.๐Ÿ˜ก.
To be fair, There are several men that I gain knowledge from; and they all dress and speak differently. I’ll go Even further and say, a leveled man; An educated and open man, that has a life Other than his four block radius and Instagram, DOESN’T speak or move that way. ThAT’s #Attractive. One day I’ll have one write here. Trust my judgement, he’ll say and show us Both something.

At some point in my rant, you’ll tell me, “C, you’re keeping it in your life so you can’t complain๐Ÿ˜ณ”. Quite the contrary. Again, I deal with all types of people. This is just the fuckery. All types of people or “classes” have All Types of fuckery, this just appears to be more mainstream for my view. 081

Wait, You’re reading Wrong. My mom told me everyone has something to say; including me. My hopes are to bring insight to myself And you. For that “yeah what she said” moment, and laughter through pain. My blog may appear wordy or vague to some. I say Boo๐Ÿ‘Ž. You can’t be spoon fed all the time lazy; use your mind. I lay it out, for you to play it out๐Ÿ˜†๐Ÿ˜†. That means, Take in what you read, and apply it to Your situations. Only you have Your answers, not me. Or Any other philosophical engineers you follow on social media, lol. #LearnSomething worth knowing.

Tragically Misunderstood๐Ÿ˜. The hate is Real๐Ÿ‘Ž. Why are people so mad though? They make me mad! Why does Everything have to blown outta context? How and Why does a Guilty #Ego take anything we do, to level of some Other Extra ish, about them?! Why can’t it just be for and about the person writing it? They’re just sharing their personal experience, no? No it seems.

In the case of  C vs. Y, a lot of gutter ugly went down. There was no respect for me when he gave me an infection when I was pregnant the 2nd time. -You know cause he was fucking some Obvious fuck pig at that time too.(YUCK๐Ÿ˜ท!). No respect was given when he robbed me, played with my life, heart, threw grease, And met my family. That’s just the Half!! O right; I’m supposed to be quiet or  have respect again. Because I’m a lady. Boy BYE! I can say whatever TF I want, because it’s my life๐Ÿ’. In all fairness to #Me, It wasn’t until just now that I aired a little laundry. I’m always the bigger person. I don’t want no problems I Just DON’T care anymore. (Top 5 feeling.).

My Ex is SO vain, he has ran my social media pages And this blog, not for me or the mind fruits I post; But to read about himself๐Ÿ˜‚, or fabricate himself into what’s NOT about him. Wasted talent I tell you. #EgoManiac.
If someone must rely on FB, IG, Twitter, or wherever to get some wellness, I suggest my FB page family. At least you will be getting some consistent mind candyโœŠ๐Ÿ˜Œ.
Maybe he’ll become a better person from it. Maybe…           After all the haunting, The Saddest part is his minions believe him. What was I thinking. He’ll never be a better man cause he only knows and keeps hype “friends”. They lick his ass and agree with whatever he fakes. O well no skin off my back; I know me. Really, I’m All Set. No matter how or what I say, people still misconstrue. So for #InCaseYouMissedIt Sake:

041 P.S. Thanks..  Enough “Respect” men? Respect for myself that’s all.
โœŠโœŠโœŠโœŠ..

Respect is so mistreated, and so are we.๐Ÿ˜’. Men and Women preach on what we Want out of a person, or how we envision, that someone for us is Supposed to be. (Merely that’s just a projection of what we Think we “want” or “need”).  None of that’s any good. One, It’s Not how real life plays out. Two, most people Don’t even know Themselves enough, to dictate another humans ways and features. Yeah we can have fun boys and fun girls well into our 30’s if we want, but doesn’t it ever grow old? Blu??! Not being cut out for monogamy is one thing, being a slob is another.
(Somethin I learned)๐Ÿ‘‰ The universe (or God, whichever word you choose), Will give you what you ask for if you ask for it. That doesn’t mean we’ll notice it when it comes, or even like the way it came if we do. Point is we got it, just not in the way we envisioned it. That’s the lesson. You don’t have to believe in “God” or any higher power to agree with me. If you believe in karma, the laws of Attraction, or “be careful what you wish for…, -then you already do. Karma goes both ways. You did dirt? You want better? OK so Sit back, take your karma licks, don’t F up the juju, and you can get back to Right. That’s if you want higher level than where you are now. Simple. People shun the word “God” if they’re not “religious”. Lol it’s not religion, it’s Self structure. I’m Not “religious”, spiritual yes religious no..
ALL THAT to say, people need to Stop the dumb shit. Sometimes it’s best just to ctfu and listen. Implementing these things into My life, has shown me a world of better. I guess that’s why it pisses me off so much when I see and hear dumb shit. I don’t work so hard for me, to have a bottom feeder try and snatch that. It’s if you push me Ima push back. (That’s the survivor talking)๐Ÿ‘Š. IMG_4135

Bullshit Happens.. Hard truth #28: If you’re a stepping stone or a season in a persons life, Or you Made someone a season, that’s just what it is. Go through it, heal, Get over it, and keep it moving.
We ALL go through and got things; The only thing that changes are semantics and how we deal. If we ever grow up and our values shift; we catch on, live better, seek out healthier relationships, and a healthier self.
If Ugly reads my ish, and fabricates stories in his mind, so be it; that’s all His Shit. Maybe one day he’ll learn something about himself sans lies and ego. Just like all of us should; it’s why I write..

โ˜€๏ธOne of the best parts of taking your life back, is the day you wake up, and ish doesn’t hurt anymore. You don’t think about “It” no more. You just; Don’t Care. That’s freedom. I have (Too) Many ‘WTF was I thinking’ moments. UHG๐Ÿ˜–๐Ÿ˜–. I’ll be aite tho.
I found out that No matter what the circumstances, we can’t indulge in a relationship, unless we Know Ourselves first.
Strangers ask me why I’m single. I hate that question, it was never a simple answer till now but; my public statement is; ‘Because I Am’๐ŸŽฏ. It took me a second to get here. I just got me, and I am A-OK! What’s Your excuse?!? Single doesn’t mean stagnant. It means haven’t spent time with anyone I want to consider๐Ÿ’.
I’ve finally figured out what I want out of a man or relationship, and I’m not putting my heads’ limits to It. I’m in no rush so chill B. No more Questions๐Ÿ™….Thanksgiving pics.2013 068

Let’s Stop ripping each other apart for the ish we’ve experienced or choices we’ve made, OK? Let’s not judge the next one for XY and Z semantics and antics. Let’s stop being cocky when there’s no place for it, and let’s Not act better then with hella fake shit.

I’m thinking this time, No vanilla virgin men Anything. He’s not going to be sexually inexperienced, or inexperienced at humor, life, love and shine. Nope, I don’t wanna be your first, I’ve got nO kinda time. Let’s do some things together, let’s show each other things, no? I wanna be shown, and he’s gotta be sweet๐Ÿ’. Lemme see you have some sort of humility, struggle, or even some hidden gutter in you too. Tell Me, no wait, Show Me, What makes you such a good dude. Lemme see the way you carry yourself.  Then at least I can call  if our conversation, intimacy, days in the city, views, and then some, are worth being around for. He can be everything different but there has to be a common ground. Right now there aren’t any Worthy opponents. I’m all set till there is.

Maybe I’ll take a social media fuckery break. Staying away from Fake philanthropic news feeds of the hopelessly lost, crazy, self absorbed liars; and men that say THE #DUMBEST shit to me, All The Fucking Time. O and Blu’s in training. No respect!!๐Ÿ˜’..
All this is winters fault๐Ÿ˜’๐Ÿ˜’๐Ÿ˜’๐Ÿ˜’.
Time to get back in a gym and work all this mad out. Put my foot into my cooking again, and focus on work more. Summer’s coming๐Ÿ˜ƒ๐Ÿ˜ƒ๐Ÿ‘Œ. I have plans๐Ÿ™Œ.
My appetite for sex shall resume and there will be no love. And it hasen’t been with ANYONE that I know๐Ÿ‘. No fuck buddies; unless.. Nah I’ll tell you later. I’m goin to cook dinner.. 529

I never realized how many people live vicariously through me, until I saw them Recklessly trying to speak on my heartbreak and spirit. Por Que!? :o(    .People will love you then they hate you. All the while they watch; Hoping to pick up a Scrap of what you got.. Boo…. That shit hurts.

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End Chapter.

OK so Maybe it started out as just another tale of, The Good Woman that loved the unworthy man;   Really there’s SO MUCH MORE..

Top 5 feelings for This Life:

1. Personal successes through, swallowing some ish, hard work and diligence.

2. The love of  good men and women.

3. The moment of realization.

4. Finding IT.

5. Wholeness and Wellness.

As an old friend of mine and I walked to the 6, I fumbled through my wallet to leave him with a couple dollars. A couple dollars is better than zero, and that’s what he had. That’s what you do for people you have love for. When I came into the city with nothing but my goals and a suitcase; I felt blessed to have people show me such kindness. Now I just pay it forward.
Lookin up, counting, still fumbling and walking, I blurt out, ‘I’m so broke’. He says to me, “You’re always broke”.. True; I am, lol. And I still busted him down๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚. O I’m sorry who are you again? Nevermind. #NotImportant
Anywho; I didn’t tell you that to kick nobody’s back in. I told you, to show you a piece of me. The woman I am; Despite fuckery.
Lately I’ve been working on my anger. That means learning, having patience, and learning what spiritual surrender is. If I’m sure about anything, it’s that I am 100%, Not So Far Removed. Nowhere Never, did I say this shit is easy. Ever. It’s REALLY FUCKING HARD SOMETIMES! People push me everyday. Still, my #Jedi life training doesn’t stop. It’s how I stay such a ๐Ÿ‘#Peach and #NeverBeat.. #1: I give people rope to hang themselves with; It’s on Them if they do. #2, Prayer and inner peace. #3, My girlfriends, so I don’t kill nobody. You may say it sounds trite. Watch me go though, happier and healthier than youโญ๏ธ. #FreeSpirit.

Whoever said carrying around resentment and anger will get you further can keep it; I’m all set. I never wanted to be mad in the first place, I have things I’m doing. With that, I have NO PROBLEM watching people hang themselves. Honestly sometimes I enjoy it. This time with Slime was no exception.. It may hurt and it’s cruel sometimes, but it’s the only way. It has to be about yourself. We can’t take care of Anything (Properly), if that doesn’t happen first.

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No doubt about it, the way I #love the ones in my life is a #true feeling. You’re lucky to have it; that’s what my friends tell me. I could have 5 sexy city or travel options, yet I’d rather sit in the park under the stars, or facetime in my pj’s with you. Because you know me, and I know you. I’ve done the fast life freak show and the glitter;  Now I wanna share it with the right person. Men scream they want #REAL. Come to find out, they don’t know what Real” is; Just what their illusion of it is. Loving someone is work, just like loving yourself. A woman that “Stands by her man”, as he destroys her for 5-10yrs, is not a “strong” woman, she’s a broken woman.  Just like the broken man that lives this way. Love aside, the Best Part of This #Woman, is how she can just drop you, curve, and never look back .. That’s the Realest Gentlemen. No she’s not a bitch, difficult or any other way you wanna call Her Out Her Name. It’s called survival. Men aren’t ready. Some #women aren’t ready. May the best human win.

Over lunch Slime says, “You know me. You know my “nitch”. Honestly I don’t know WTF that ment coming from him, and I didn’t ask. Seems to me he dont know WTF it means neither; otherwise he’d be a better man. I hate it when people say shit they don’t understand.

When you’re in a limelight, you need a ground. No wait; in order to Succeed, We All need grounding forces in our lives. The ones that rode with us through gutter glitz glam and back, and STILL #LOVE us like cooked food. If you’re anything like me, we need the ones that Deflate And Deflect the bullshit when it comes. Hype friends and acquaintances will let you sell yourself a dream, watch you dangle, and eat off you to the max. “Nitch” friends tell you, “go do what you do, I’ll be here when you get back; don’t make an ass outta yourself”. We’re blessed to find them, keep em close.. Having these type of people in my life make it That much Easier to; walk away, let go, surrender, or whichever word play pleases you. Here comes that word again, Real. And this we’re finding out, is #RealLife. #Bye

I’ve learned that sitting here spitting anger and uncut truths Although WOULD BE FUN and Feel GREAT Temporarily๐Ÿ˜ƒ๐Ÿ‘Š; Won’t get me past shit, just pour more fuel on the fire.. Dealing with different people taught me this: if you’re elevated in your climb, Ratchet ways and fuckery are on a level beneath your mentals now; you’re going in another direction. Time to #ActRight; someones got to. Nah that’s not mean that’s #Elevation. Survival. Wellness.๐Ÿ“ถ๐Ÿ†๐Ÿ™†.
Once again I reposition my energy Back to me. To the plain eye, this sometimes clutzy and outspoken eloquence, gives me the right advantage, and a stronger curve. I say all that, to play out my last heartbreak, and my moment of realization.
Anyone that tells you, being positive in a negative situation is naive, tell them they are sheep. Taking that action is power. That’s called leadership.
And just like that, she took back what she gave himโšก๏ธ...

/home/wpcom/public_html/wp-content/blogs.dir/b24/42106590/files/2015/01/img_3473.jpg Like that saying I posted in my entry, There Goes Her Heart, “Somewhere Someone is Searching for You in Everyone They Meet”. , Can’t be More True.. I don’t want him, and he may not want me; but That will never stop him from looking for me in them. I’ll always seek out that “home-safe” feel in whatever I’m getting into -that’s what I do. -Gravitate to where I feel Safe. He was just another casualty on my way to find it nothing more. And Me? O I’ll always be the one he’s searching for; there’s too much to not long for in this one. This I know because I gave it to him. He’ll never stop searching, and he’ll never find her. Because she’s right here; And I just left with Nasir๐Ÿ˜œ๐Ÿ‘Œ. If he Hasen’t Already been, Slime’s my son now fa sho.
๐Ÿ’กIf you must; Never judge a woman Just on her heart alone, but for the mind she puts behind it. Don’t sleep on what can destroy you and leave you addicted.

Who’s chasing now? #EvenSteven ๐Ÿ˜Ž.

–What  you have left after fuckin with a #Real #One.  ;oP    (Now He’s ya #1 fan).
Top 5 best feelings Ever – Numbers one through Five, Part A: Not wanting him, and him Always Yearning and Longing for Me. (Here’s to my top 5).. #IAmYourLeader

#SuckABigDick   023

 

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I used to love this picture of us.. I loved him. Until I didn’t nomore.. #BangBang #IShotHimDown

#ImperfectlyPerfect  085  (My Azz to #KISS).                       #ThanksForPlaying

 

 

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When Her Mind Goes..

Although it’s too cold for the rooftop tonight; I’m channeling my best Leo DeCaprio, in The Basketball Diaries masterbation scene. Maybe it’s just me but, Sex (or masterbation๐Ÿ˜†), on a rooftop, whether it’s #Queens, #Brooklyn, #Manhattan or the #Bronx, is mouth watering. I think it’s just the New York back drop that does it for me, rooftop or nah.
It’s one of those nights in #TheCity where 54-60 degrees in January is a welcomed warm. My window is cracked just enough to let in the concrete jungle hustling around me. I’d rather just lay up and chill. This winter she’s settling into her new spot, and figuring out the next few moves. Since I’ve been opting Out of hot and readies, and porn is polluting my views; I’m falling back on my mental rolodex.
Pink lace panties with a lace up bow in the back, fitted and scooped up just right hugging the right places. You can see that tight lil triangle in between my thighs, front or back๐Ÿ˜‰. Peeking at Kitty makes you wanna slide your fingers over her๐Ÿ‘Œ. Black bra, white tee; This outfit is the only one suitable for my situation right now. The city feels good on me..
Fuck I’m so horny….๐Ÿ™‡๐Ÿ™‡๐Ÿ™‡

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None of the past year randoms are anything to fantasize about now; so like any sexy smart woman would, I reach further…..๐Ÿ™‡๐Ÿ™‡๐Ÿ™‡
๐Ÿ˜ฏ๐Ÿ˜ฏO MY! #ForbiddenFruit He’s tasty๐Ÿ˜ƒ๐Ÿ‘Œ๐Ÿ‘Œ๐Ÿ˜!! #GotEm ๐Ÿ˜Œ.
His Sexy, light browned complexion havin azz looks like everything.๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ™‡๐Ÿ™‡.๐Ÿ“ท๐Ÿ“ท๐Ÿ“ท๐Ÿ˜†๐Ÿ˜.
Perfect lips, Sexy dark brown eyes surrounded by thick long lashes, the kind you get lost in. His skin was lickable. The cutest smile and pretty teeth only made him a threat because he was funny, And had personality and smarts to go with it. Tats in places you wanna kiss when you’re straddled over him; he always kept himself right. Shape ups, gear, he smelt good -All That. 6ft? O who knows lets give him 6’1, and the Right kinda #thick๐Ÿ™Œ. Lawd girls he’s sweet๐Ÿ˜†. This one was fun And I liked him. Now He’s a forbidden fruit; BOO. You Can’t blame me for wanting to eat him again.๐Ÿ˜„๐Ÿ™Š๐Ÿ™Š. #Itspurelysexual meets, ‘he’s a really good dude though’. He was ripped off my vagina in an unfair way. She says she has unfinished business; who am I to tell her nah?! Right now, I concur..

I could tell you about all the hot and ready gotta have it now fucking we did but, I can think of something Better. -Now that I Think About It, a few times I’m just glad we didn’t get arrested; lol. The hotel room rendezvous were yummy, I loved seeing him naked and really having him. That’s not selling short straddling him forwards, backwards, laying under or bent over in the truck with him. Those were times to talk shit about. (LOL!!).. Men have fun girls, and we have fun boys, don’t be mad. Y’all can be Fun boys, Fuk Bois, or Good Men. The latter is Almost impossible to achieve if we’re are JUST having sex. Honestly if I were you, I’d take the Fun boy credential and be happy.

Back to this itch I gotta scratch. Now that I have a player in mental position, it’s time to give him #Texture..

026 When I was sexing him, it wasn’t the sex I wanna give him now, that was just mayhem. Tonight I’m going to lay back and peel these panties off, and let my #imagination have her way with him.

It’s been awhile, the anticipation is palatable. I have him posted up in front of me at the foot of my bed. Kissing him like we missed each other till right here. The next things to go are these shirts; I wanna feel him chest to chest.. These panties this bra, up on my knees in front of him, his hands and mouth are all over me; I taste good. I smell good. I feel good… Some squeezes on my ass, you know, right in that spot. -Under my cheek close enough to wake kitty; then he brings me down. His half naked self puts his weight on me. My hands run his body starting from the sides of his face as we kiss, arching over his shoulders, down his chest, stomach, to sticking my fingers in his waiteline, then all over. Grabin onto his ass and pulling him into me just makes it more animalistic type hot. #PureSex .His lips taste like cherries. My legs wrap up high around his waist, he’s bigger than me; my pussy can’t wait.

After giving him something wet to put his lips in, and my 1st nut, he slides in just to get this position out the way. I want him deeper, he wants in me deeper, so he flips me around. Placing my ass up nice and high, my arch game is perfected. Kitty is tight when he slides back in.. Fuck I just felt his dick jump a little; he must be close.. Time to ride his body and that dick, and finish him. My 5’6 self climbs on top of all 6ft of that man, working everything on my way up.. Just a little more mouth to make sure I have him where I want him, then I slide him in. Before anything, I Push off his lower abdomen to reposition my hips and pussy up on him. He grabs my ass, squeezes and pushes in. Slow hard deep rough sensual, ALL THAT, Kitty’s so wet!! She gets off her second as he #Handles this ass and pussy like he been doin it for a year. I can’t lie, I love feeling his dick jump inside me when he’s cuming; My legs and pussy are still twitching from mine. Fuck that was some good sex.. After cleaning ourselves off we retreat back to the bed, and spark that blunt we didn’t finish. We laugh and talk over some highlights, then it’s one last kiss. Back to being forbidden fruit. He don’t have to go home, but he can’t stay here. Watching his sexy self get dressed my ego is pleased, and so is my body.. This is the session you Don’t speak on, it’s just the one that you do.

And THAT’S how her imagination goes… See how good he is when I make him?

Lights out. I’m taking all that with me right now. Fuck he tastes sO good, in my head.. #HereIGo

  

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