The Real Carrie, Sex and the City (Beginnings)

There’s nothing more I’d fancy then to start this story for you from the second floor window of my Upper West Side brownstone. Instead I’m coming live and direct, straight outta Newark N.J🤦🏼‍♀️🤰🏼🙃. Although I’d really Love to, there’s no Manolos Louboutins or a closet stuffed with Betsy Johnson couture (damn). No, This City story seeded once upon a second story window on Myrtle Ave in Bed Stuy Brooklyn🌱. From Bed Stuy to 108th and Guy Brew(er).  If u don’t know, that’s South Side Jamaica Queens; then landing on my perfect stoop in Far Rockaway Queens. Far Roc is where I fell in love with myself, the beach and really good head. I came to Newark to get away from New York for awhile; but not too far.

Instead of being a column writer and author, I settled for a being a counselor, then bartender extraordinare, and #wordpress 🙄. My friends were every piece of fabulous different and shopped on the ave too. The men were nothing close to Big, Aidan, Smith, Steve, or even Harry! They were more like, I’m not doin shit, I ain’t about shit , I think I am the shit, I’m doing a bunch of extra shit that’ll never amount to shit, I make up a Bunch of shitI got shit, or, I wanna fuck you but you And I know my sex is shit. “Wanna have a threesome? Here, take this $100 and go get an outfit. I already booked the hotel in mid town. Pick you up in two hours”.. 🤦🏼‍♀️Something in the back of my walk-in closet of what ifs, told me I should have taken that last offer🙄. Who’s to say how much more crazy stuff I could have seen! Instead I paid my phone bill then my girlfriend and I bought some weed and liqueur and went to the beach🤷🏼‍♀️.

Me n Q

I can’t tell you why Carrie Bradshaw fled to Manhattan, but I can only guess it was on mommy and daddy’s privileged dime; just like the rest of Manhattan now. Never was I a child of privilege. Although, my pale complexion had too many -including my pastor- confused. If they only knew🐒.   From a very young age my pale self was always less then second best and even less than a bastard Snow in my “fathers” eyes. In suburbia where I was born, parents helped their kids with at least something, Anything. Not me. The love and family I always craved was never given, so I ran to make my own surrogates. More times than not in Queens I found myself with out food or enough money for rent or much of anything. Even so, my friends and I put our dollars together and made meals, a home, and a whole lotta fun.  Under pressure and on the brink of a nervous breakdown I took my punk ass $1000 and fled to Jersey thinking things have Got to be easier or better there. Nope! If only I had a pinch of foundation, my decisions wouldn’t be fear based and out of financial stress. Instead of making financial decisions below the poverty level to accomodate life right now, I’d be in a different place. I’d be doing what I love and planing and saving for the future. (What I would’t give for some Bradshaw life right now😩🥃🥃😖💩😴). I miss my beach ,the diversity, my neighborhood, my legs from doing the stairs at the Mott Ave station everyday, and being able to hop on a train any where at any time. And scoop a chop cheese and a beer at 3 AM if need be. My vagina misses the head and the chance men I allowed.20121114-103348.jpg   In Brooklyn or Queens, I never had constant reminders of one man. Being in Newark just brings back constant unnerving memories of the one I ran from for so long, then fell in love with. Somewhere I heard how you get them is how you lose them Maybe that’s true. When I met him he was young scattered and a coke head. Since we’ve parted ways he’s still young scattered and a coke head. Although now he thinks he’s won because he found a better job and does coke. Truly I’m happy for his employment success, other than that..well,😴🤷🏼‍♀️…). I taught him how to take care of himself, fuck, love and what a great woman is. For awhile the drugs were never a part of the equation; until they were always in the way. The great sex and dates we used to have turned into sprinkled nights, less sex and drunken fights. All the signs were there. I became nasty and needy, he became distant and speedy🙄.  My bestie and I have decided he won by default. Default because I was stressed, alone and amidst an unknown city limelight post abuse. He was the constant. When you’re dealing with someone who has suffered past abuse, the one thing you must do if you want it to work, is be an immovable safe constant rock. Don’t try and fix them, they don’t need fixing, they need safe. If there Are any kinks to be worked out, just stick and stay. That’s how you will Help them fix any kinks (by themselves). He didn’t know that then, and still does not but, oh well. I don’t want cokey smurf back anyway🤷🏼‍♀️.  Still, it irks my nerves he can say he had me. Don’t ch’ya wish you could just UN-fuck somebody sometimes?!?


Just like my suburban counterparts, my views are based off what I’ve lived through, what I’ve seen, done, and what’s been done to me. Sure I may not respond to a blanquita the way Suburb Sally would, that still does not make me less refined than the next. I’ll run donuts arount your current sitch in a dress and heels, then park it hair tied sweat pants chillin with no make up on, talking some higher level of consious feels. Eloquent and raw at the same damn time🤓. People need to quit telling me how I should be😐; Especially when they don’t know me. Tis a funny fickle thing this brain of ours👩🏼‍💻.

Even though I indulged in many ‘O nights of great sex, great people and beach days, I spent more nights alone with my thoughts. Those are the times I feel made me a better person. Nights out Or in were not always drug or alcohol driven either. Being in this city (Newark), all there is to do is drink. And if you’re a bartender or just know people who know people, you can find yourself a booger sugar o fun even when you don’t want to. Coke was never my thing, neither was whiskey. Newark has given me a taste for bourbon and a candy land if I choose. Did I tell you my goal is to leave this place?? Ya see the way my goals are set up📌🤓

Young boys or nah, drugs or nah, here she still stands. Aside from bad men, I’ve made poor business choices, ask for payment arrangements, and maybe drink too much wine. Although, this week I start two new jobs, I’m all paid up with Sprint, and I swear I haven’t finished this bottle of wine yet. Part of me wants to hop back across the water and fall back to my debaucherous vagina eating nights. Part of me wants to stay the girl next door. Isen’t the girl next door a cannon in bed anyway?? I’m thinking I can still be professional, work towards my goals, and hit a party every now and again. For sure though, not in this city. Queens are you there? Can I come over?


…………To be continued in Boogie Nights…..

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I Pinky Swear

Where do I start?  I’m certain my “end” at this point, is not where I end. It’s just the beginning. Life has yet too much more to throw at me, and I have too much to conquer💪🏼.

Despite popular assumptions. I’m a pretty “close vested” person. Hence, the skipage if you’ve read me. Everything has changed, and so has the light. The constant is my solid virtue, heart, superhuman woman flight, and inconsistent men🙄. Or maybe, they (men), were Always consistent jokers. It was I who tried to challenge humanity with love light great sex and whiskey🤷🏼‍♀️.                                 …Silly girl.

I’ve never been the easiest pale mare to break; yet I’ve never been unattainable. Once upon a snowflake there was a for real whisperer to tame this Przewalski🐎, till he proved ill fated. The worst guy is that guy who pretends to be a good guy and underneath he’s plagued with secrets and lies. He’s the silent killer😐. Maybe I was the bad girl for never saying what I really feel or allowing his anxieties and scattered self to consume me, & in turn spit rage at him. Hands down we are both wrong. BUT STILL! While women nurture give chances and over think, men straight up CONVINCE themselves of things that were never real or true, do dumb shit and then blame you. (😳wait, what? how the?😒). Sometimes I think I’d be better off with a penis instead of this heart and kitty. I wanna be a dick to some people and get away with it.


#ThisTime though I swear I truly loved him. I loved him so much it turned to hate, and we tore each other apart. He swore he loved me so much till it turned to hate, and we tore each other apart. He was unlike the others, this one, I think I wanted to keep. Till I couldn’t wait for him to leave. Fuck love…..or maybe nah… OK for a long while🔒..

Lasso broken, Here she goes….

#PartDeux      Despite past abuse on top of abuse, I’m learning how to heal, forgive, and move past. Start a new and love. Working at it I still am, but I’ve made some great strides🏃🏼‍♀️🏃🏼‍♀️. Honestly, I have no choice. If I choose to love love and stay my artistic self, I have to live my truth, right? Then life and penis sways me different🕺🏽😒. Single really sucks when you have no time for the dumb shit. A relationship really sucks when you have no time for dumb shit. Aren’t we all just out here trying to get our life??? I Loathe people who have to create difficulty. Sometimes we have to remind ourselves that not everyone thinks like us though. So we suck it up and hold faith for one that does. Till then I’m keeping an eye out for a Team Mate. In the meantime, I’m enjoying finding myself again. I have to say it’s the best relationship I’ve been in in a while.


Aside from lifes’ curve balls and men who are flighty, inconsistent and all over the place, there still stands this woman. This solid lone standing woman who has built up countless people! Yet there are so many that try to tear her down. Here she goes swiping her metro for the next train to success and never giving up even when they expect her to. Downtown, Or maybe it was uptown; across town? Hell maybe it was to Jersey! I can tell you all of your heart breaks no matter the train, you just have to keep going. Oprah did so I should too! Let downs disparities and struggles don’t care, I’ve got headphones. Let me tell you about a couple of my strengths.

Seven years have past since I left mental, physical, spiritual, and chemical abuse at the hands of some one who bended his knee to me. I left with nothing but a suitcase of old panties, an addiction, and no certainty in sight. If I wasn’t going to save myself then who would? If you’re waiting for something to fall out of the sky for help, you’ve already lost. Nope, not tomorrow, now is the time. Our dreams arise at night, then are lost at dawn. Don’t lose them. And Don’t be a statistic.

None of my plight has been easy yet somehow, I’m still here. Please tell me you’re with me ‘cuz I need you right now…

Yes, I am a God fearing woman; but he never promised me a bed of roses. There is no yellow brick road. There is no grand wizard of success that will polish you up, shine your shoes and send you back to Kansas with money. Yet, I’m still walking the bricks in search of my own Emerald City and horse of a different color.

I am a Lot further than I was. I Have to be greatful for where I’ve been, where I’m at, and where I’m going. I know a slue of people with bigger homes than I, that could never stand an Hour in my shoes. Still these Judgey Judgingtons glare down their nose in assumptive judgement. They’re absent of humility, real and gratitude. I can’t comprehend when my struggle is riddled with REAL amidst the concrete jungle. I wake up everyday greatful for another shot. No drama here, Just The Facts.

When you stay and pray in worry, you will never solve the problem. It wasn’t until I prayed to replace doubt with faith, fear with hope, and got TF Out, did I see. There is no handbook my friend; it’s just us. Are you here?

My bed has a lot of pillows. And it may be a lil more empty since he left. I’d be lying if I say i didn’t miss him. Yet, I’m happy I get to starfish! And I’ve got to believe I’m not truely sleeping “alone”.

If you wish upon a star tonight, and you wish for love, abundance, success, wealth, health and happiness, just know, you’re not alone. I’m wishing on that same star with you. When we look up, the sky may seem so grand! Yet, at the end of the day, when we strip off our society armor and climb into bed, it’s just you and me. Just us. Climbing, struggling, reaching; wishing on a star💫✨⭐️…

…I Pinky Swear You’re not alone..



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Gasss and The City.

The Other morning, 4am

The smell of the hot summer concrete hits me; I think I’m in lust😈. The humidity is sulrty. The only option for me right now is to be half naked, and pearched up on this window sill. Clouds of sour billow out through the screen, giving the rain drops shape. How I Love the way the drops and mist wet my skin. It’s feels pure, clensing. Everything about this feels, smells and tastes so sexy! Damn! The city and this rain got me caught in a love affair. Scrambling down below are the last minute feinds. “Where’s my next fix, and someones stoop to nod out on😠. Excuse me miss do you have a Xanax?” 😡🙅!  In a city littered with shattered life and corporation, this window is my only solice. My soul devours the smell and feel of this 4am rain. I tell you, I can’t get enough. God I Love The city💞. God I hate the city😒. Fuck You New York and Thank You New York,  for making me, a strong, half cocky, independant woman. You got me hooked on a taste, and made me too stubborn to leave. I’m just another city girl now, sometimes longing for the outskirts🏡. Until I need to run back to that taste💃🌆💞.

🙇 Palm trees and starry skies have a  different smell. My cities emerge emotion built on strength and hardship . I’m in love with the tough sexy guy😌🗽🌃🌅. Figures. Now I know why I’m me😶. ❤️💪🔐 #Atomic . 

  Lil Portugal

Lately, my city has felt like a village as opposed to a city. I used to think #NYC was small, when I ran into people in different burroughs. I found out #Newark is WAY worse.  Everyone Almost knows everyone, or someone you know. Or, – someone that Says they know you😳. And, you always somehow, run into that ex, the one you don’t like, or that one you Do like, and almost Never at a good time. This is some bullshit😒. Once again, Men drive me crazy. And the liquer only makes it worse. I may go from zero to 💯 real quick but Damn! Men can be just as erratic. They really need to cut their, “in their feelings” antics.  I mean, don’t they know who they’re dealing with?? (😐 just call me B.A. –For Bad Adtittude😕💩💩)… The city made me do it😐..




























City heartbreaks over Sangia.

Sometimes, there’s just nothing more to say; so I say nothing.. His dramatics to counter that, have fell nothing short of ouch my ego,  devestation.

“I Love you with everything, let’s do Life together”..  ‘Life Love and War with you, is One of the hardest thing I’ve ever done’. Four, (five?), years later and a better me says, ‘No Thanks’. It’s amazing what some time alone, a big city, and falling in love with yourself again does for you.💪🌗. Come to find out, some gas Is healthy. Ass too but in this case? -NO!

It twas! -Lows, Highs, Lows. Back again now, High; Then gut wrenching😷. Solitude. The city. Freedom!! -No fear now, And vindication -What?! 😎 I’m strong Look at me!💪

🌾👀🌾👉”Baby I Love You. I’m you you’re me.  Where have you been?” 👀😯 DAMN! He found me😶. ‘Busy’ I said; Then ran💃! Only to save myself of coarse, but, did I tell you the five burroughs And #Newark, are too small at times?? ✔️✔️😤.

Fuck! After NOT understanding, And misconstuing (again), his Leo self says; “that really hurt me! Don’t worry though I’m gone! Have a nice life”. Do you know how many times he’s said that?? Maybe this time he means it.. HA!! He called a week later.😒 …SO self absorbed. I go back to black😔🍻🍹🍷.. If it doesn’t matter, get rid of it. If you can’t get rid of it, it matters.. FUCK! 😩.

     Don’t ch’ya know, the one I Thought about considering, told me, “I can’t play second best to anyone, I have to go”. And he left! (😳👀Portugese men😶).  That came after a puppy expressed his love and distorted fantasy of ownership😠. That’s funny; there was never anyone before him, just fans😔😑. Lately it seems several men choose to claim me; although I’m not certain why. (Nope, no sex; I smashed just one). Voids filled? Nah..😔

Brick by Brick

To date, I’ve had at LEAST One great One, A puppy😕, hard love, easy love, fast love, soul love. Hate, infatuation, lust, and the devil. Every single one of those, broke my heart in some form or another. As I sit here spilling, I have to stop and ask; What Good has all that done me? Do I get any crudentials and a higher paying job? No, just this damn blog, too many drunk nights, & a kinda bad adtittude.😷. (👀 somethins’ gotta give). 

  When you’re busy running between burroughs, working and trying to find another job. Or constantly commutin. Or finding the best chop cheese sandwich or jamaican spot in Brooklyn or the Bronx.  Maybe soaking up the flavorful culture(s) of soaking in #NYC and it’s people , we lose sight. paying your bills, stressing about your bank account, and wondering where the fuck your metro card is😤, you lose all the underlying feelings that present themselves once you stop. We all knew that though on some level right? That’s why some of us can’t sleep at night sans whiskey weed or ambien😒. The city makes me run and thrive without slowing down enough to let my past give me whiplash slaming into the back of me neck🙄.  into me in the back of my neck to end up with whiplash😳!

As we get older, we get More set in our ways. The longer we stay Out of a relationship, the more we become reckless, -And stuck in ways😒. Reckless is easy to find in the city. (Gas, a limelight, a pedestle, cocky, and other ego boosters are too, but who’s counting). Being that Reckless and my single self, have been together A lot these past few months, my hopes for a real relationship, have damn near left the building. Not because I don’t want one, it’s because my behavior doesn’t fit with one. Reckless sabotaged the man I really wanted to try be with. My Portugese man and I caught up again; only to be shot down by drunk antics and old world ways, a couple weeks later. Dumb ish Shouldn’t sever these feelings, but stuck on stubborn does. (Potrugese men😤). && – My Boriqua y Irish ass reFUses!, – to give any more nurture than I already have. This is what I call a No-Win Situation. 👀😤 Curses!!.  Currently, I’m doing my best to change my ways. It’s Friday night, I’m Off, and I’m at home spilling to you guys 💁.


Knowing a lot of people in my industry only Helps the gas, and ass intake, I absorb on a regular. Smiles and besos every night of coarse, but who really means it? Some of these people Are my #family; some just blur into the crowd. Am I a cocky bitch for wanting my circle small?  The noteriety gives you a false sense of cocky. The Gasss leads you to think you’re entitled. For some, the koolaid makes them think they’re better than😣. How do you find tangible real in a sea of plastic? None of this is easy to navigate, when all of us beautiful people, are charming, latino and Brazillian (Aaay😏😄🙈!). Out of All the people I have met, and the options I’ve had, none have made me feel like I Wanna change, till now. If I Don’t pursue it even a little bit, that would be doing an injustice to myself, no?.. Maybe it’s Not him, it’s Me ready for change.

It’s Sunday now. Last night, my Portuguese man and I, pushed the drunk shit aside and got real. After that, hand in hand we walked home. Had a lil sex, then passed out in each others arms. I dreamt about him all night, then woke up in his arms. I’m thinking this is what I want. It’s a different feel. One I can’t help but want to half overdose on. I’ll have this man, O yes; I will have this man. Even if it’s just for now.. Maybe that’s my cocky speaking. Maybe that’s my confidence speaking. Either way, it’s definitely the city…        With or Without him or anyone, Le saga continues… 🌃👯


Sometimes I wonder if things would be different in another city. Sometimes I wonder what would’ve been if I didn’t leave Queens. As much as New York revives me and I thrive, I was on the brink of a breakdown. I’ve found that men And women in the cities of Jersey are…well… about nothing but themselves no matter the repercussions. Coming back to Jersey, although fun for a hot second, proved worst of the worst. I’m currently strategizing my next move. I feel like I lost the woman I fought so hard to find and build. Do I need to go back to New York even though all I want is off this coast?

Unlike the burroughs, there’s really no true diversity in Jerseys’ cities. You’ll find more people hating within themselves, and doing NOTHIN, rather then trying to Truely make somethin. They’d rather just try and get over instead of being someone worth anything genuine for self or others. Like, they’re stuck and OK with that. Kinda reminds me of a bad John Cougar Meloncamp song. It’s a terrible, old views bubble, back woods town, just on a coast line. You either get out or die here. Yeah sure the suburbs are beautiful out here, but if you Don’t have the For Real Money to live in suburbia, you’re stuck in a less than mediocre city. Do you find love, goals, or genuine relationships of any kind in that environment? Not me, I’m too real to be living so fake. Sure I’ve met a sprinkle of great people out here but none that are A1. I love Jersey I do. You can have any atmosphere you desire within a 20-40 minute drive! Other than that, I wanna know how people are living in Other cities. Are folks plastic everywhere, or is it just the east, (and west) coasts?

Maybe I’m looking for a different smell, a different flavor to get myself back! A new love affair in a new city city, sans winter. A New Yorker I’ll always be. Frank Sinatrea said if I can make it there I’ll make it anywhere. That’s all the gas I need now. Better get going…


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“Love can mend your life, and Love can break your heart.” – Sting. (Message in a bottle).

I wonder, if he calls All his ex’s like he does me.

“i jus wanted to hear your voice”.. After a hang up, 3 missed calles, and the call me back asap. Important, text. (I hate it when he knows I’ll call him back after that😒🔒😤).   

I can’t lie, a part of me #Loves his adoration; until…😔.. Anyway,

Do you think he tells them, “you’re mine forever. I’m your number 1. There’s only me for you”? …and all the rest he says. Did🙈. Does!?!🙉 🙊🙈. 

Lol, he prolly does. Matter o fact, I can almost gaurentee it. (So UnOriginal). 😕👎.  (Such a turn off😕👎).

Do you think he attempts to swirl his tounge around the straw, and make suggestive gestures with his lips, mouth, tounge and, when he wants their attention? Lol probably. He always does it to me. 😂! He’ll never know what I really think. Funny thing is, really that’s all he cares about. The best part is, I can care Less. The sad part? Those bottom feeders believe him. Ha! If only they knew..😆😎🙊. 

About 4 years ago, he put his hand around my neck. Pressed me up against the wall in that hallway on Myrtle, and got breath to breath. He told me, “you ain’t neva leavin me”.. He’s so dramatic♌️.😖. Love him I do, it just hurts too much. No one needs Any of that. 💃💃! His mouth is the Worst. So I say he might have pimp tendendancies🙇. Nah. He’s just abusive and insecure.💁

Funny how things change, yet they stay the same. Seems I run from, and he runs to.. I Had a dependancy to run to him when my world got too real. But him Never being there when it count, made me never need him. I’m sober off him now. That addiction, afliction, is past. It scares him the most; but he’ll get over it.  

 No wait!! Do you think he bends down and kisses them on the cheek n forehead, like he does me? The only reson I blush is because it was him at his truest, to me. A moon ago, I used to kiss his forehead when I left out while he was asleep.. It woke him just enough to know. (God how I love that🙇. Le Sigh😌💏😩😄..😒).

Eh fuck it. Girls go. Go on and have em. Have all his tornado storm mess, housed in a half presented package. Please Neva forget, at the root of his heart, there’s me. A piece of his soul? That’s me too.. Don’t be mad, cuz I never asked for this position. It just happened.. To the both of us. #NowWereEven #TheEnd .

I’m Sure he tells you the same thing.

Only this time though, he ment it… Only after I left him. (O the irony😩😤).😎.    

   End Game 

The secret to my success, is learning how to be alone and happy, with myself. Doing for myself, and making, myself.. None of that said him. So here I am on my own two. Overall, do you know how long I been happy for? Since I let him go. 

I am human though, so I had to ask. Do you think he does to them, what he did/does to me? 

Probably. Don’t believe the hype girls..

No points for being unoriginal..  

My world turned, so I left him there. I’m sure he says what he says, to all the girls. How boring. How typical.


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Next Chapter.. Decisions, Dick and Liquer.

I swear, if only, I wrote down all the shit I came up with drunk, I’d have a book deal…😤 Anyhow…

It’s 1am in my city. I’m outta work early for a wednesday night. Since I don’t have my balcony, fire escape, or my old stoop😔, I’m decompressing outside at a lil spot down the block. Sangria? Check✔️..

As an impressive mixologist😎; Lately, I’ve been entertaining sO many people, that on my off time, all I wanna do is be alone. I’m self sufficient, I learned how to be.. Any limelight now, can be a lonely place when you’re searching for pure. Fun? Yes, Lots😍👌. Things get boring after awhile though. Dick is everywhere, (So is the Liquer😐), yet I don’t want none really. I’m bored with fucking, it’s so easy. Not all of it worth it. If I’ve learned anything in the past 6 months, is that convienience, is the devil😕. The struggle is real💩. 

 I had this one, let’s call him Not Important. When he was with me; that’s all there was for him. When I wasn’t with him, he made ways to be in my presence. I delt and let him eat my kitty cuz I was bored.. He rubbed  my head, touched me like I was his teenage dream. His kisses, so pure. You’d swear he was tryina make up for all I been through. If I knew better, I’d tell you this is the kinda man I should aquire. Yet.. Well.. Honestly? Sometimes, He irks my every nerve, and sceeves me out😰. Not cuz he seemed “decent enough”, it’s cuz he’s a creep and 3/4 crazy! (😰😷😖) . He’s really a good guy though. Just not for me. I can’t settle here.  😕🔒🔒⏳⏳.. 🙇 Maybe I need to start fucking that winter dick again. That was good at least; and no strings. He was a mess too though. Seems guys can’t have a good sex game, And be accomplished too. For shame.

The other one, I tell you he’s not important too. Yet somehow, my heart had been wrestling for a few years. He’s a hot mess of man issues I have no care to fix. He too sceeves me sometimes but.. Anyway, Thank God that’s over. I’m looking forward to my next new love.

In the #meantime, there’s liquer, sex, and nightlife.😐..

I’m thinkin, Most men, drive me crazy. They never listen. They get All stuck on themselves, and stuck in Their feelings; Then flip it on the woman. She this She that!  NO,  #SHE jus rejected you in some way; and now u Feel some type a way💁. Phuck all you hoes👊. #JustTheFacts  . The “relationships” that have been offered in the past several months, are none I care to entertain; simple. Not the, she’s single so there’s something wrong shit. Why settle for title sake? Not me, we’d wind up hating each other, and I’d shit all over you😕… Pac wasn’t lying when he said, ” I’m so harsh, because I’m so sensitive”..    I can relate😒. A blessing and a curse; So I ride..  #YouAintShit 

 Le Dear John …

#DearBoys📝📝 Fuck yo feelings. J Last time I checked, I was single😳👏😎. Get TF Out ch’YR feelings🔐…  Fuck the other ones feelings cuz he fell in love, and I didn’t. Fuck the crazy AND Delusional bitches🚷🚯😷. Phuck this one, that one👆; that one,👇 And that ones,👉 feelings too. Fuck the men that love me, yet be somewhere else. Fuck the ones that pull petty ish for a girls attention. Fuck that ex that ALWAYS comes back, and throws a monkey wrench when you’re most happy, & off him😤.  O And the other ones too! 👉Mad cuz I won’t fuck you, like you, text you, call you talk to you, make time for you. Actin like I lied. I told you I was busy! If it was me reading the signs, I’d say yall the extra, not us… (In my mortal kombat voice) – Harley, Wins👊😌🎎..

 I’d tell you I felt bad; but I don’t. J told me, “everyone gets hurt sometimes”. He has to be right. Right? I had my turn already, now it’s theirs. I’m not lookin for restitution, I’m lookin for reciprocation. My mind’s made up, no turning back. Anyone trampled on (unintentionally), in the #Meantime; my condolences……Really…..

When I die, let em know, all I wanted to do in life is create art. And die Full, with a smile on my face✊.. 

      Over a few Coronas and Jameson, my Brazillian friend told me, he’s looking for substance too. He said, “I’m charming in Brazillian”. That made sense to me. I can be charming in english, yet it’s draw holds no weight for me. It’s boring. He concured. At least I know somewhere out here, there are still men who want substance. Just not the ones I choose😒.. 

Sex got sO boring with one, I asked him to choke me. I thought trying something new would make me interested. He sucked  at it. He layed down and asked me to get on top. I told him, ‘I don’t ride lame dick’. Then fell asleep.. I bagged him several times after that too. Bordom n convienience😶. How can I respect you, when you don’t respect yourself? 😐. I can’t respect myself if I kept up a charade.  Does any of this make sense to you? 

Last night, I had an aquaintances’ beer muscles tell me all about myself😒. Although it was nice to recieve compliments on my woman; this is the type of ish that irks me. In a nutshell, I should have a stable man; I’m too independant. Maybe but; true or false? 👉Life teaches us NOT to, depend on others..? True. So that’s what I do. Maybe it is harsh for some to handle. It’s not impenetrable though. All it takes is the right one. He who Knows how to handle (me), and himself.. Tell em I’m lookin for em🌾👀🌾💩.  

  I’ve seen and know, Over the top women who stand in their own way. I’m not her. Show me a good man that I’m attracted to, and I’ll show him the best.   I’ll comprimise to coexist because I want to. In the #meantime, there’s liquer sex and night life..😶   


….there’s more to life than this…      Back to this pitcher of Sangria😐……😕….😌👍… Buenos noche cruel world. 

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War Paint

(I may have written this two years ago, but it’s relevance is infinite). #DontBeARacist

Pretty Logic X

Note to reader. If you are sensitive to race related conversation, this entry is not for you.This writting is in NO way discriminatory to any person, of any race or culture. Simply, it is my story. My experience, and what I’ve been through. If any of that may be offensive to you, kindly keep it movin.

It took me a long time to be comfortable in my skin. Even now I have my moments. But still, I know who I am. No one can define me, and only God can judge me. Even with that, when you’re being discriminated against by someone you loved, it hurts even more.

Being that we’re speaking on “race”, I see it fitting to tell you a little about me. I’m half puerto rican, half irish. A sliver american indian. Fair skin, blonde hair, green eyes; it wasn’t until I started dying my hair black two…

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Random In the Ways

A woman is a woman, and that’s how it’s going to be. Women are allowed to change their mind, love, fuck, rule and talk shit in/about Her world, because She made it. We go through #TheMost shit, and are still expected to be perfect beacons of nurture and sexuality for our counterparts. “They” say, She can’t fuck up, she can’t speak (the way I do), and she Can’T blah blah blah blah. Mmm-mmm; No. Last time She checked, She’s making her Own way, so CTFU.
It seems lately, Everyone on social media is a fucking critic or a philosophical guru..Everyone’s got the All the answers for Others, yet their lives are unstable or less than desirable. Some don’t even have a G.E.D, yet they’re preaching to the rest how to move. Who do we think we are? MOST need to get off their high horse. Too many have the same hopelessly clueless sheep type followers, to like and gas the dumb shit. If you have a platform, use it to the best of your ability, not to look dumb. But Hey, that’s the herd.

I deal with and all types of people, so I never judge; I learn. More of us need new friends, to ctfu, and to implement that No Judge Zone more. 💡Learn, have knowledge; Check Your position; -ThEN call it how you see it. Stop being like the ugly fat guy, posted up at the bar with his other ugly friends. Here he goes calling a female fat, ugly, and, -All coz she looked past him. Here she is in the cutest outfit at 5’7 and 165. He’s in 3 day old jeans, stank breath, beer gut and no ass, stubby legs, and sweating through his shirt. 5’9 and 270. Did I say bad hair?? EEK WHAT?! Dead. Men I’m Done! Do not speak or act On Shit when you have No Place To..

012     Men do you do this👆👆!? Yet women are the ones with something to prove😳😒. I feel bad for that girl👆. Men cluck a woman is This a woman is That. Bruh -what do YOU know about a REAL Woman?! You don’t even know the man You are yet. Some men post, “It’s a mans job to respect a woman. But it’s a woman’s job to give him something to respect” .After that post it’s “Fuck buddies only, I just care about my dick” OR plain Thirsty posts for sum pussy. What?! Give US Something to #Respect. Women are life incarnate so respect That! Muthaa fucccaaa… Man Or Woman, if you carry yourself like a fuck pig, a ratchet thot, hood rat, betta than booshie, or piece of shit? -Then that’s how I will treat or see you. Am I the Only One who feels my intelligence is being insulted?👎

💬Lemme tell you a lil story about Blu. You may know him, his brother, or nephew, depending on your neighborhood. He’s the 50 something year old man that does nothing but post up at the corner store All day, in his old ass musty lookin’ Denali with rims, bumpin’ Biggie. He’s got the nerve to get outta the truck with his dirty lookin self; Pants saggin, hoodie vest combo, and every other thing he Shouldn’t have on at 50 something. This one creep type rolls past girls and STRAIGHT GRILLS as we walk down the block. (YIKES!!!) Talkin shit and smackin lips like he wanna know somebody. (Who The??!). Blu goes as far as creeping past her house, music bumpin, head turned Grillin. Mutha fucca I don’t even know you, can’t a girl just sit on her stoop?! #CREEP!! Y’all know this guy??😩🙅

#NewRule: The only older men that are aloud to be sitting in their VAN playing loud reggae, calipso and all day; are the dollar van guys. They’re making money. Any man that is now 30 and up, that Still dresses this way DAILY, AND is posted up on the corner, all day everyday, – AND he Ain’t hustlin?? GOTS TA GO.🚯  Gentlemen, meet Blu; he is your future. At least he got a ride though. lol smh..
Vagina disclaimer!-Grown men that rock this sexy AF look, when they’re NOT at work all day, rock it crispy and clean. Please sexy men, Keep that shit up👏👏👏.

Nothing is better than a smart man who knows how to, What he speaks on, And knows how to dress. This here is not to Bash men. I love men; Lord do I. Sometimes though, I want to choke them.😡.
To be fair, There are several men that I gain knowledge from; and they all dress and speak differently. I’ll go Even further and say, a leveled man; An educated and open man, that has a life Other than his four block radius and Instagram, DOESN’T speak or move that way. ThAT’s #Attractive. One day I’ll have one write here. Trust my judgement, he’ll say and show us Both something.

At some point in my rant, you’ll tell me, “C, you’re keeping it in your life so you can’t complain😳”. Quite the contrary. Again, I deal with all types of people. This is just the fuckery. All types of people or “classes” have All Types of fuckery, this just appears to be more mainstream for my view. 081

Wait, You’re reading Wrong. My mom told me everyone has something to say; including me. My hopes are to bring insight to myself And you. For that “yeah what she said” moment, and laughter through pain. My blog may appear wordy or vague to some. I say Boo👎. You can’t be spoon fed all the time lazy; use your mind. I lay it out, for you to play it out😆😆. That means, Take in what you read, and apply it to Your situations. Only you have Your answers, not me. Or Any other philosophical engineers you follow on social media, lol. #LearnSomething worth knowing.

Tragically Misunderstood😐. The hate is Real👎. Why are people so mad though? They make me mad! Why does Everything have to blown outta context? How and Why does a Guilty #Ego take anything we do, to level of some Other Extra ish, about them?! Why can’t it just be for and about the person writing it? They’re just sharing their personal experience, no? No it seems.

In the case of  C vs. Y, a lot of gutter ugly went down. There was no respect for me when he gave me an infection when I was pregnant the 2nd time. -You know cause he was fucking some Obvious fuck pig at that time too.(YUCK😷!). No respect was given when he robbed me, played with my life, heart, threw grease, And met my family. That’s just the Half!! O right; I’m supposed to be quiet or  have respect again. Because I’m a lady. Boy BYE! I can say whatever TF I want, because it’s my life💁. In all fairness to #Me, It wasn’t until just now that I aired a little laundry. I’m always the bigger person. I don’t want no problems I Just DON’T care anymore. (Top 5 feeling.).

My Ex is SO vain, he has ran my social media pages And this blog, not for me or the mind fruits I post; But to read about himself😂, or fabricate himself into what’s NOT about him. Wasted talent I tell you. #EgoManiac.
If someone must rely on FB, IG, Twitter, or wherever to get some wellness, I suggest my FB page family. At least you will be getting some consistent mind candy✊😌.
Maybe he’ll become a better person from it. Maybe…           After all the haunting, The Saddest part is his minions believe him. What was I thinking. He’ll never be a better man cause he only knows and keeps hype “friends”. They lick his ass and agree with whatever he fakes. O well no skin off my back; I know me. Really, I’m All Set. No matter how or what I say, people still misconstrue. So for #InCaseYouMissedIt Sake:

041 P.S. Thanks..  Enough “Respect” men? Respect for myself that’s all.

Respect is so mistreated, and so are we.😒. Men and Women preach on what we Want out of a person, or how we envision, that someone for us is Supposed to be. (Merely that’s just a projection of what we Think we “want” or “need”).  None of that’s any good. One, It’s Not how real life plays out. Two, most people Don’t even know Themselves enough, to dictate another humans ways and features. Yeah we can have fun boys and fun girls well into our 30’s if we want, but doesn’t it ever grow old? Blu??! Not being cut out for monogamy is one thing, being a slob is another.
(Somethin I learned)👉 The universe (or God, whichever word you choose), Will give you what you ask for if you ask for it. That doesn’t mean we’ll notice it when it comes, or even like the way it came if we do. Point is we got it, just not in the way we envisioned it. That’s the lesson. You don’t have to believe in “God” or any higher power to agree with me. If you believe in karma, the laws of Attraction, or “be careful what you wish for…, -then you already do. Karma goes both ways. You did dirt? You want better? OK so Sit back, take your karma licks, don’t F up the juju, and you can get back to Right. That’s if you want higher level than where you are now. Simple. People shun the word “God” if they’re not “religious”. Lol it’s not religion, it’s Self structure. I’m Not “religious”, spiritual yes religious no..
ALL THAT to say, people need to Stop the dumb shit. Sometimes it’s best just to ctfu and listen. Implementing these things into My life, has shown me a world of better. I guess that’s why it pisses me off so much when I see and hear dumb shit. I don’t work so hard for me, to have a bottom feeder try and snatch that. It’s if you push me Ima push back. (That’s the survivor talking)👊. IMG_4135

Bullshit Happens.. Hard truth #28: If you’re a stepping stone or a season in a persons life, Or you Made someone a season, that’s just what it is. Go through it, heal, Get over it, and keep it moving.
We ALL go through and got things; The only thing that changes are semantics and how we deal. If we ever grow up and our values shift; we catch on, live better, seek out healthier relationships, and a healthier self.
If Ugly reads my ish, and fabricates stories in his mind, so be it; that’s all His Shit. Maybe one day he’ll learn something about himself sans lies and ego. Just like all of us should; it’s why I write..

☀️One of the best parts of taking your life back, is the day you wake up, and ish doesn’t hurt anymore. You don’t think about “It” no more. You just; Don’t Care. That’s freedom. I have (Too) Many ‘WTF was I thinking’ moments. UHG😖😖. I’ll be aite tho.
I found out that No matter what the circumstances, we can’t indulge in a relationship, unless we Know Ourselves first.
Strangers ask me why I’m single. I hate that question, it was never a simple answer till now but; my public statement is; ‘Because I Am’🎯. It took me a second to get here. I just got me, and I am A-OK! What’s Your excuse?!? Single doesn’t mean stagnant. It means haven’t spent time with anyone I want to consider💁.
I’ve finally figured out what I want out of a man or relationship, and I’m not putting my heads’ limits to It. I’m in no rush so chill B. No more Questions🙅.Thanksgiving pics.2013 068

Let’s Stop ripping each other apart for the ish we’ve experienced or choices we’ve made, OK? Let’s not judge the next one for XY and Z semantics and antics. Let’s stop being cocky when there’s no place for it, and let’s Not act better then with hella fake shit.

I’m thinking this time, No vanilla virgin men Anything. He’s not going to be sexually inexperienced, or inexperienced at humor, life, love and shine. Nope, I don’t wanna be your first, I’ve got nO kinda time. Let’s do some things together, let’s show each other things, no? I wanna be shown, and he’s gotta be sweet💏. Lemme see you have some sort of humility, struggle, or even some hidden gutter in you too. Tell Me, no wait, Show Me, What makes you such a good dude. Lemme see the way you carry yourself.  Then at least I can call  if our conversation, intimacy, days in the city, views, and then some, are worth being around for. He can be everything different but there has to be a common ground. Right now there aren’t any Worthy opponents. I’m all set till there is.

Maybe I’ll take a social media fuckery break. Staying away from Fake philanthropic news feeds of the hopelessly lost, crazy, self absorbed liars; and men that say THE #DUMBEST shit to me, All The Fucking Time. O and Blu’s in training. No respect!!😒..
All this is winters fault😒😒😒😒.
Time to get back in a gym and work all this mad out. Put my foot into my cooking again, and focus on work more. Summer’s coming😃😃👌. I have plans🙌.
My appetite for sex shall resume and there will be no love. And it hasen’t been with ANYONE that I know👍. No fuck buddies; unless.. Nah I’ll tell you later. I’m goin to cook dinner.. 529

I never realized how many people live vicariously through me, until I saw them Recklessly trying to speak on my heartbreak and spirit. Por Que!? :o(    .People will love you then they hate you. All the while they watch; Hoping to pick up a Scrap of what you got.. Boo…. That shit hurts.

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