Anger Management

   A moon ago, I was on my Tear Up Hate and Smash Ish. Only to figure out I wanted more and how to Walk the love you want ish out.
Three years after after a come up and living the love I asked for and several pounds, did I realize the boy I gifted, was nothing short of the penis I feared. As I’ve stated in prior posts, I longed for love sans novelty. At the end of the day, I’ve formulated that I was nothing more than a novelty for him. Several pounds or nah, a novelty🙄😒… As much as I loathe that, I will not take away the souls that came together.  Where as, I’ll tell stories of the night he stripped for me to D’Angelo’s How Does it Feel, to the many nights he begged for my forgiveness. He may tell you stories of everything his diluted mind could configure🙄😐.

One time again for the cheap seats; I’ll forget you; but you’ll always remember me.🤳🏼😁..

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#BlemForReal

Dear So & So,

Fuck you.. Fuck you for real and kick rocks with open toed shoes…On my most ignorant I’d say Fuck Everything! But everything is worth too much to me and damn sure more expensive than you💁🏼‍♀️.

Fuck you for trying so hard, not trying hard enough and half breaking me.  Fuck you for all the times you made me tear down walls and allow me to believe in your short order schemes. Fuck you for licking my wounds that I’ve never shown anybody! – only to dig in them deeper and pour salt😖…

Haven’t you met me? On top of good looks and bomb sex, you courted after an A1 true, strong, long way and endurance riddled thoroughbred. ( ‘Tis a funny thing when we get what we want then falter through intimidation huh?)… I never asked for fixing. I never needed fixing! Never fool yourself into thinking that you used a great one. You just ran into a real one who elevated you to a half one. You still have a long way to go till you are a whole one💁🏼‍♀️.

Fuck you for every time I wrote my script and penned you next to me flossin on black sands off my come up. Fuck every time I put you on while your eyes stayed glossy and enamored at the fact…

Fuck you for the Silly me that saw friendship security and love. Fuck you for every time You brought me outside myself souley because you were unsure of Yourself. I fought for and loved you with every fiber. Not knowing, just swinging. Blind faith. Blind love… #shadowboxer

Fuck you for every glimpse and piece of vulnerability you asked for; Insisted for; that I fell to pieces and gave. Only for you to turn and use it against me like it was my fault… Fuck you for every time you made me feel horrible about myself when it was you and never me. Fuck you for everytime you think you’re right when you’re not. Fuck you for the small times..

Fuck me for believing you. Fuck me for succumbing to my past addiction of you. It once chained me to you as you dosed me willing and eagarly with consumption. Evil as the purest montega you were coursing through my veins..Fuck you for that itch. That high, that low, that loss of self; consumption and comedown.

Fuck you for every time you saw me as ugly when you were three times more scary!  … And fuck you four times dry for being a liar. I hope you feel the burn…          P.S. I’m feeling better and doing great without you💪🏼🏆.


Just like back in the day, I can stay here and Fuck you all night and day. Except now, I’m not getting off on it. Now, and just like in the end, it’s only to prove a point. Even if it’s just to myself. It’s to shake and fuck you off. Superficially Hate you, then be done with you. My name will always cross your lips. My mouth and pussy you will always savor on your cock. To me though, now you’re a haunting ghost I’m saging to release.

I’d say damn the novelty you fell in love with. But you just got the savage you envoked then provoked. Even though you try to push it out, I’m still fresh on your mind. As we all post break up search for something “different” yet familiar, I’ve got that shit that you look for but won’t find🧚🏼‍♂️.  Blame’s on you my guy, and now I’m past. I shown you deep & that I was never a novelty yet…. All you.

#AllMe

Contrary to popular belief and the way text can be misconstrued; With the most, I have no time or space for hate and animosity. Sure it’s a great release and the ever wanting proverbial roller derby match I’ll never have the tangible chance to enjoy, still it’s just pen. On that coin, I just don’t have space to care. Just like he is where he was, I feel like I Just jumped off the magical mystery tour bus into an unforgiving  middle of nowhere. I have to forget everything I’ve known, loved, habitualized and experienced, and start a new everything here in Nowhere USA. I tell you I am stronger than I was; yet I am still human.  Stuff still creeps every now and again🙄…. I really fucking hate that feeling, especially when I’m busy.. (Thanks for the intrusion😒).

For the longest I’ve been a lover. A soldier of love. Till now. Through every relationship I’ve had, I found a man one way – in his own way. Despite the years with him, when it ended, he was still just the same guy I met, and I, still making concessions and blind excuses for him. As much as he/they may be to blame, I have to blame myself for conceding, no? That’s it white flag! I’m done with love.img_1174

 

Donde estas?

I’ve said countless times to my friends, if I didn’t have ovaries I’d be a gay man. They have none of these attachment hormones that women carry, yet still can fall in love, marry, be happy and have well rounded children.. I Hate it when I miss the Bus…(lol).

Boo. I hate cliches and loathe “old” American sayings. Yet now is no better time than any I suppose to allow. “You’re damned if you do , you’re damned if you don’t”… So WTF do I do?!? Being a soldier of love, a life war veteran, and a vengeful single cute female has gotten me nowhere. Neither has a vagina with a vendetta or an honest and loyal girl.

🗣Hi, I’m Cee and I’m here. Still with the same old man dilemmas
just new batteries..Forming a different outlook though.🙄🙄🤷🏼‍♀️🤰🏼🤰🏼🤰🏼🔋. Still done with love though.

Do we do what our “friends” say and never ever again believe in and dead love? Or do we still keep allowing ourselves to fall in? In this polluted day and overly saturated age, Are we better off (as men or women), hanging around a bunch of mid-aged singles that have no regard and try to mask what they truly lack? Are we better off being out and in the club with our “people” , that hate on the love and connection we have/had of our recent or ex heart? – (You know, the ones that on the low couldn’t WAIT for y’all to break up. Only for Them -le quazi friends to tell us, “Fuck them! I told you! You don’t need him/her anyway. Don’t you know how much ass you can get? Let’s go out”)!  Only for them to then try and push up on said ex, or throw dirt on your name, just to get the taste they’ve been feinding from the rip.. Friends, huh? 

Do I really have to dumb myself down to get along🤔🧐?  Coming from a female like me that’s damn near impossible. Boredom is a killer and I welcome the one to level my playing field. (Said that b4 De Ja Vu🙄😖😒). It never happens though. I’m so over the scene and cocain fueled convos. I never knew the 80s were back until I came to Newark😕👩🏽‍🎤👩🏽‍🎤👩🏽‍🎤. 🤦🏼‍♀️🙅🏼‍♀️.

From where I’m sitting, it seems like before B.C. when people loved, connected, endured, learned, taught and stayed. When I see an old couple walking hand in hand down the block, share a dance moment or caress one another true and lovingly I think ‘Wow. How lucky are they. God Bless I pray for that one day’. It’s so visceral! Then I remember where I am and never answer my DM🙅🏼‍♀️.

It’s the most cruel of cruel worlds we are coming up in, Times have changed. Somehow I believe that damn near All of us are searching for that picture. That one to tame, tame you, balance or run wild with and love falling in love with them over and over again…

   Is it our expectations and assumptions we put upon of the next, – when we still aren’t sound ourselves,- that make us so “unavailable”? Is it all the over saturated fake resume options we are accessible to, – even though they are Predominantly fruitless🙄..?..  With steady season ring side seats, close enough to taste the salt of skin, I have to say a little bit of both. If you’re smart and catching up to yourselves, you’re with me.

Once again, no solid answers yet. Just the struggle and new batteries. I’ve always said I’d rather have good sex than just any sex. Although, I had a sex dream last night and awakened to a throbbing and tingling clit, I still passed off on the randoms two nights ago, tonight and the past month. I’m just not feeling it. Maybe it is because I made love & than hate fucked my ex so much After the “official🙄” break up, that I fucked him off his own dick🤷🏼‍♀️. In the past one of my first moves was to “fuck off’ my ex.   Now, I’m just trying to manage me sans reckless vagina. IMG_4227-0

The other night I was chatted up by a hottie with an accent. He walked me home only for me to tell him ‘I don’t trust myself’, and left him at the gate. Flashes through out the night flooded to my spank bank on how good he would look and feel eating my kitty, pulling my hair and throwing me around. Despite night two of liquor and disco, then a sober third, it was still the same. I left him at the gate.. Although I wanted to smash only because I love sex, I knew he’d never live up to the session in my spank bank. Now that I think about it, I may have let him eat kitty out of boredom if I knew I’d never see him again. Yet cities can still be small. It’s too much dreading running into one dick let alone another one😐. .

#BacktoYou

Maybe another time, but right now I have no well wishes for you; nothing bad juju either. It is unbecoming of this lady to be a liar, and I’ve also been taught to never speak ill of the dead so R.I.P…

Thanks for the memories. Thanks for the addiction. Thanks for showing me my reckless self and whom I never want to be.. I’ve kicked and am staying sober💪🏼. For you and the likes is some place I never wanna be agian..

👻👻👻👻.

………. Still in search of the answer sans novelty. It’s best I pen then burn this cyber space letter instead of calling in the real goone squad & contracting hits. The (this) city has shaped up to be my biggest component and tantalizing demise. 

  ( #NewYork I do miss you terribly; but I don’t think I’m coming back to stay😔. We can still go out and have a great together but; I just don’t know right now😣.  I Do know I love you and you’re in me😽).

   It’s never too late for #rebirth. Now that I’ve released and managed my anger, here she goes. New outfit & ready to find and fall in love with her again. I may just have to show off these new bras and panties too🤔💃🏼😉.  I’m starting to itch, I think it’s time to let Kitty make the decision😎.

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The Real Carrie, Sex and the City (Beginnings)

There’s nothing more I’d fancy then to start this story for you from the second floor window of my Upper West Side brownstone. Instead I’m coming live and direct, straight outta Newark N.J🤦🏼‍♀️🤰🏼🙃. Although I’d really Love to, there’s no Manolos Louboutins or a closet stuffed with Betsy Johnson couture (damn). No, This City story seeded once upon a second story window on Myrtle Ave in Bed Stuy Brooklyn🌱. From Bed Stuy to 108th and Guy Brew(er).  If u don’t know, that’s South Side Jamaica Queens; then landing on my perfect stoop in Far Rockaway Queens. Far Roc is where I fell in love with myself, the beach and really good head. I came to Newark to get away from New York for awhile; but not too far.

Instead of being a column writer and author, I settled for a being a counselor, then bartender extraordinare, and #wordpress 🙄. My friends were every piece of fabulous different and shopped on the ave too. The men were nothing close to Big, Aidan, Smith, Steve, or even Harry! They were more like, I’m not doin shit, I ain’t about shit , I think I am the shit, I’m doing a bunch of extra shit that’ll never amount to shit, I make up a Bunch of shitI got shit, or, I wanna fuck you but you And I know my sex is shit. “Wanna have a threesome? Here, take this $100 and go get an outfit. I already booked the hotel in mid town. Pick you up in two hours”.. 🤦🏼‍♀️Something in the back of my walk-in closet of what ifs, told me I should have taken that last offer🙄. Who’s to say how much more crazy stuff I could have seen! Instead I paid my phone bill then my girlfriend and I bought some weed and liqueur and went to the beach🤷🏼‍♀️.

Me n Q

I can’t tell you why Carrie Bradshaw fled to Manhattan, but I can only guess it was on mommy and daddy’s privileged dime; just like the rest of Manhattan now. Never was I a child of privilege. Although, my pale complexion had too many -including my pastor- confused. If they only knew🐒.   From a very young age my pale self was always less then second best and even less than a bastard Snow in my “fathers” eyes. In suburbia where I was born, parents helped their kids with at least something, Anything. Not me. The love and family I always craved was never given, so I ran to make my own surrogates. More times than not in Queens I found myself with out food or enough money for rent or much of anything. Even so, my friends and I put our dollars together and made meals, a home, and a whole lotta fun.  Under pressure and on the brink of a nervous breakdown I took my punk ass $1000 and fled to Jersey thinking things have Got to be easier or better there. Nope! If only I had a pinch of foundation, my decisions wouldn’t be fear based and out of financial stress. Instead of making financial decisions below the poverty level to accomodate life right now, I’d be in a different place. I’d be doing what I love and planing and saving for the future. (What I would’t give for some Bradshaw life right now😩🥃🥃😖💩😴). I miss my beach ,the diversity, my neighborhood, my legs from doing the stairs at the Mott Ave station everyday, and being able to hop on a train any where at any time. And scoop a chop cheese and a beer at 3 AM if need be. My vagina misses the head and the chance men I allowed.20121114-103348.jpg   In Brooklyn or Queens, I never had constant reminders of one man. Being in Newark just brings back constant unnerving memories of the one I ran from for so long, then fell in love with. Somewhere I heard how you get them is how you lose them Maybe that’s true. When I met him he was young scattered and a coke head. Since we’ve parted ways he’s still young scattered and a coke head. Although now he thinks he’s won because he found a better job and does coke. Truly I’m happy for his employment success, other than that..well,😴🤷🏼‍♀️…). I taught him how to take care of himself, fuck, love and what a great woman is. For awhile the drugs were never a part of the equation; until they were always in the way. The great sex and dates we used to have turned into sprinkled nights, less sex and drunken fights. All the signs were there. I became nasty and needy, he became distant and speedy🙄.  My bestie and I have decided he won by default. Default because I was stressed, alone and amidst an unknown city limelight post abuse. He was the constant. When you’re dealing with someone who has suffered past abuse, the one thing you must do if you want it to work, is be an immovable safe constant rock. Don’t try and fix them, they don’t need fixing, they need safe. If there Are any kinks to be worked out, just stick and stay. That’s how you will Help them fix any kinks (by themselves). He didn’t know that then, and still does not but, oh well. I don’t want cokey smurf back anyway🤷🏼‍♀️.  Still, it irks my nerves he can say he had me. Don’t ch’ya wish you could just UN-fuck somebody sometimes?!?

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Just like my suburban counterparts, my views are based off what I’ve lived through, what I’ve seen, done, and what’s been done to me. Sure I may not respond to a blanquita the way Suburb Sally would, that still does not make me less refined than the next. I’ll run donuts arount your current sitch in a dress and heels, then park it hair tied sweat pants chillin with no make up on, talking some higher level of consious feels. Eloquent and raw at the same damn time🤓. People need to quit telling me how I should be😐; Especially when they don’t know me. Tis a funny fickle thing this brain of ours👩🏼‍💻.

Even though I indulged in many ‘O nights of great sex, great people and beach days, I spent more nights alone with my thoughts. Those are the times I feel made me a better person. Nights out Or in were not always drug or alcohol driven either. Being in this city (Newark), all there is to do is drink. And if you’re a bartender or just know people who know people, you can find yourself a booger sugar o fun even when you don’t want to. Coke was never my thing, neither was whiskey. Newark has given me a taste for bourbon and a candy land if I choose. Did I tell you my goal is to leave this place?? Ya see the way my goals are set up📌🤓

Young boys or nah, drugs or nah, here she still stands. Aside from bad men, I’ve made poor business choices, ask for payment arrangements, and maybe drink too much wine. Although, this week I start two new jobs, I’m all paid up with Sprint, and I swear I haven’t finished this bottle of wine yet. Part of me wants to hop back across the water and fall back to my debaucherous vagina eating nights. Part of me wants to stay the girl next door. Isen’t the girl next door a cannon in bed anyway?? I’m thinking I can still be professional, work towards my goals, and hit a party every now and again. For sure though, not in this city. Queens are you there? Can I come over?

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…………To be continued in Boogie Nights…..

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I Pinky Swear

Where do I start?  I’m certain my “end” at this point, is not where I end. It’s just the beginning. Life has yet too much more to throw at me, and I have too much to conquer💪🏼.

Despite popular assumptions. I’m a pretty “close vested” person. Hence, the skipage if you’ve read me. Everything has changed, and so has the light. The constant is my solid virtue, heart, superhuman woman flight, and inconsistent men🙄. Or maybe, they (men), were Always consistent jokers. It was I who tried to challenge humanity with love light great sex and whiskey🤷🏼‍♀️.                                 …Silly girl.

I’ve never been the easiest pale mare to break; yet I’ve never been unattainable. Once upon a snowflake there was a for real whisperer to tame this Przewalski🐎, till he proved ill fated. The worst guy is that guy who pretends to be a good guy and underneath he’s plagued with secrets and lies. He’s the silent killer😐. Maybe I was the bad girl for never saying what I really feel or allowing his anxieties and scattered self to consume me, & in turn spit rage at him. Hands down we are both wrong. BUT STILL! While women nurture give chances and over think, men straight up CONVINCE themselves of things that were never real or true, do dumb shit and then blame you. (😳wait, what? how the?😒). Sometimes I think I’d be better off with a penis instead of this heart and kitty. I wanna be a dick to some people and get away with it.

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#ThisTime though I swear I truly loved him. I loved him so much it turned to hate, and we tore each other apart. He swore he loved me so much till it turned to hate, and we tore each other apart. He was unlike the others, this one, I think I wanted to keep. Till I couldn’t wait for him to leave. Fuck love…..or maybe nah… OK for a long while🔒..

Lasso broken, Here she goes….

#PartDeux      Despite past abuse on top of abuse, I’m learning how to heal, forgive, and move past. Start a new and love. Working at it I still am, but I’ve made some great strides🏃🏼‍♀️🏃🏼‍♀️. Honestly, I have no choice. If I choose to love love and stay my artistic self, I have to live my truth, right? Then life and penis sways me different🕺🏽😒. Single really sucks when you have no time for the dumb shit. A relationship really sucks when you have no time for dumb shit. Aren’t we all just out here trying to get our life??? I Loathe people who have to create difficulty. Sometimes we have to remind ourselves that not everyone thinks like us though. So we suck it up and hold faith for one that does. Till then I’m keeping an eye out for a Team Mate. In the meantime, I’m enjoying finding myself again. I have to say it’s the best relationship I’ve been in in a while.

 

Aside from lifes’ curve balls and men who are flighty, inconsistent and all over the place, there still stands this woman. This solid lone standing woman who has built up countless people! Yet there are so many that try to tear her down. Here she goes swiping her metro for the next train to success and never giving up even when they expect her to. Downtown, Or maybe it was uptown; across town? Hell maybe it was to Jersey! I can tell you all of your heart breaks no matter the train, you just have to keep going. Oprah did so I should too! Let downs disparities and struggles don’t care, I’ve got headphones. Let me tell you about a couple of my strengths.

Seven years have past since I left mental, physical, spiritual, and chemical abuse at the hands of some one who bended his knee to me. I left with nothing but a suitcase of old panties, an addiction, and no certainty in sight. If I wasn’t going to save myself then who would? If you’re waiting for something to fall out of the sky for help, you’ve already lost. Nope, not tomorrow, now is the time. Our dreams arise at night, then are lost at dawn. Don’t lose them. And Don’t be a statistic.

None of my plight has been easy yet somehow, I’m still here. Please tell me you’re with me ‘cuz I need you right now…

Yes, I am a God fearing woman; but he never promised me a bed of roses. There is no yellow brick road. There is no grand wizard of success that will polish you up, shine your shoes and send you back to Kansas with money. Yet, I’m still walking the bricks in search of my own Emerald City and horse of a different color.

I am a Lot further than I was. I Have to be greatful for where I’ve been, where I’m at, and where I’m going. I know a slue of people with bigger homes than I, that could never stand an Hour in my shoes. Still these Judgey Judgingtons glare down their nose in assumptive judgement. They’re absent of humility, real and gratitude. I can’t comprehend when my struggle is riddled with REAL amidst the concrete jungle. I wake up everyday greatful for another shot. No drama here, Just The Facts.

When you stay and pray in worry, you will never solve the problem. It wasn’t until I prayed to replace doubt with faith, fear with hope, and got TF Out, did I see. There is no handbook my friend; it’s just us. Are you here?

My bed has a lot of pillows. And it may be a lil more empty since he left. I’d be lying if I say i didn’t miss him. Yet, I’m happy I get to starfish! And I’ve got to believe I’m not truely sleeping “alone”.

If you wish upon a star tonight, and you wish for love, abundance, success, wealth, health and happiness, just know, you’re not alone. I’m wishing on that same star with you. When we look up, the sky may seem so grand! Yet, at the end of the day, when we strip off our society armor and climb into bed, it’s just you and me. Just us. Climbing, struggling, reaching; wishing on a star💫✨⭐️…

…I Pinky Swear You’re not alone..

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Gasss and The City.

The Other morning, 4am

The smell of the hot summer concrete hits me; I think I’m in lust😈. The humidity is sulrty. The only option for me right now is to be half naked, and pearched up on this window sill. Clouds of sour billow out through the screen, giving the rain drops shape. How I Love the way the drops and mist wet my skin. It’s feels pure, clensing. Everything about this feels, smells and tastes so sexy! Damn! The city and this rain got me caught in a love affair. Scrambling down below are the last minute feinds. “Where’s my next fix, and someones stoop to nod out on😠. Excuse me miss do you have a Xanax?” 😡🙅!  In a city littered with shattered life and corporation, this window is my only solice. My soul devours the smell and feel of this 4am rain. I tell you, I can’t get enough. God I Love The city💞. God I hate the city😒. Fuck You New York and Thank You New York,  for making me, a strong, half cocky, independant woman. You got me hooked on a taste, and made me too stubborn to leave. I’m just another city girl now, sometimes longing for the outskirts🏡. Until I need to run back to that taste💃🌆💞.

🙇 Palm trees and starry skies have a  different smell. My cities emerge emotion built on strength and hardship . I’m in love with the tough sexy guy😌🗽🌃🌅. Figures. Now I know why I’m me😶. ❤️💪🔐 #Atomic . 

  Lil Portugal

Lately, my city has felt like a village as opposed to a city. I used to think #NYC was small, when I ran into people in different burroughs. I found out #Newark is WAY worse.  Everyone Almost knows everyone, or someone you know. Or, – someone that Says they know you😳. And, you always somehow, run into that ex, the one you don’t like, or that one you Do like, and almost Never at a good time. This is some bullshit😒. Once again, Men drive me crazy. And the liquer only makes it worse. I may go from zero to 💯 real quick but Damn! Men can be just as erratic. They really need to cut their, “in their feelings” antics.  I mean, don’t they know who they’re dealing with?? (😐 just call me B.A. –For Bad Adtittude😕💩💩)… The city made me do it😐..

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

City heartbreaks over Sangia.

Sometimes, there’s just nothing more to say; so I say nothing.. His dramatics to counter that, have fell nothing short of ouch my ego,  devestation.

“I Love you with everything, let’s do Life together”..  ‘Life Love and War with you, is One of the hardest thing I’ve ever done’. Four, (five?), years later and a better me says, ‘No Thanks’. It’s amazing what some time alone, a big city, and falling in love with yourself again does for you.💪🌗. Come to find out, some gas Is healthy. Ass too but in this case? -NO!

It twas! -Lows, Highs, Lows. Back again now, High; Then gut wrenching😷. Solitude. The city. Freedom!! -No fear now, And vindication -What?! 😎 I’m strong Look at me!💪

🌾👀🌾👉”Baby I Love You. I’m you you’re me.  Where have you been?” 👀😯 DAMN! He found me😶. ‘Busy’ I said; Then ran💃! Only to save myself of coarse, but, did I tell you the five burroughs And #Newark, are too small at times?? ✔️✔️😤.

Fuck! After NOT understanding, And misconstuing (again), his Leo self says; “that really hurt me! Don’t worry though I’m gone! Have a nice life”. Do you know how many times he’s said that?? Maybe this time he means it.. HA!! He called a week later.😒 …SO self absorbed. I go back to black😔🍻🍹🍷.. If it doesn’t matter, get rid of it. If you can’t get rid of it, it matters.. FUCK! 😩.

     Don’t ch’ya know, the one I Thought about considering, told me, “I can’t play second best to anyone, I have to go”. And he left! (😳👀Portugese men😶).  That came after a puppy expressed his love and distorted fantasy of ownership😠. That’s funny; there was never anyone before him, just fans😔😑. Lately it seems several men choose to claim me; although I’m not certain why. (Nope, no sex; I smashed just one). Voids filled? Nah..😔

Brick by Brick

To date, I’ve had at LEAST One great One, A puppy😕, hard love, easy love, fast love, soul love. Hate, infatuation, lust, and the devil. Every single one of those, broke my heart in some form or another. As I sit here spilling, I have to stop and ask; What Good has all that done me? Do I get any crudentials and a higher paying job? No, just this damn blog, too many drunk nights, & a kinda bad adtittude.😷. (👀 somethins’ gotta give). 

  When you’re busy running between burroughs, working and trying to find another job. Or constantly commutin. Or finding the best chop cheese sandwich or jamaican spot in Brooklyn or the Bronx.  Maybe soaking up the flavorful culture(s) of soaking in #NYC and it’s people , we lose sight. paying your bills, stressing about your bank account, and wondering where the fuck your metro card is😤, you lose all the underlying feelings that present themselves once you stop. We all knew that though on some level right? That’s why some of us can’t sleep at night sans whiskey weed or ambien😒. The city makes me run and thrive without slowing down enough to let my past give me whiplash slaming into the back of me neck🙄.  into me in the back of my neck to end up with whiplash😳!

As we get older, we get More set in our ways. The longer we stay Out of a relationship, the more we become reckless, -And stuck in ways😒. Reckless is easy to find in the city. (Gas, a limelight, a pedestle, cocky, and other ego boosters are too, but who’s counting). Being that Reckless and my single self, have been together A lot these past few months, my hopes for a real relationship, have damn near left the building. Not because I don’t want one, it’s because my behavior doesn’t fit with one. Reckless sabotaged the man I really wanted to try be with. My Portugese man and I caught up again; only to be shot down by drunk antics and old world ways, a couple weeks later. Dumb ish Shouldn’t sever these feelings, but stuck on stubborn does. (Potrugese men😤). && – My Boriqua y Irish ass reFUses!, – to give any more nurture than I already have. This is what I call a No-Win Situation. 👀😤 Curses!!.  Currently, I’m doing my best to change my ways. It’s Friday night, I’m Off, and I’m at home spilling to you guys 💁.

    #InMyWoes

Knowing a lot of people in my industry only Helps the gas, and ass intake, I absorb on a regular. Smiles and besos every night of coarse, but who really means it? Some of these people Are my #family; some just blur into the crowd. Am I a cocky bitch for wanting my circle small?  The noteriety gives you a false sense of cocky. The Gasss leads you to think you’re entitled. For some, the koolaid makes them think they’re better than😣. How do you find tangible real in a sea of plastic? None of this is easy to navigate, when all of us beautiful people, are charming, latino and Brazillian (Aaay😏😄🙈!). Out of All the people I have met, and the options I’ve had, none have made me feel like I Wanna change, till now. If I Don’t pursue it even a little bit, that would be doing an injustice to myself, no?.. Maybe it’s Not him, it’s Me ready for change.

It’s Sunday now. Last night, my Portuguese man and I, pushed the drunk shit aside and got real. After that, hand in hand we walked home. Had a lil sex, then passed out in each others arms. I dreamt about him all night, then woke up in his arms. I’m thinking this is what I want. It’s a different feel. One I can’t help but want to half overdose on. I’ll have this man, O yes; I will have this man. Even if it’s just for now.. Maybe that’s my cocky speaking. Maybe that’s my confidence speaking. Either way, it’s definitely the city…        With or Without him or anyone, Le saga continues… 🌃👯

                                            #IBeenDownSoLongItLookLikeUpToMe

Sometimes I wonder if things would be different in another city. Sometimes I wonder what would’ve been if I didn’t leave Queens. As much as New York revives me and I thrive, I was on the brink of a breakdown. I’ve found that men And women in the cities of Jersey are…well… about nothing but themselves no matter the repercussions. Coming back to Jersey, although fun for a hot second, proved worst of the worst. I’m currently strategizing my next move. I feel like I lost the woman I fought so hard to find and build. Do I need to go back to New York even though all I want is off this coast?

Unlike the burroughs, there’s really no true diversity in Jerseys’ cities. You’ll find more people hating within themselves, and doing NOTHIN, rather then trying to Truely make somethin. They’d rather just try and get over instead of being someone worth anything genuine for self or others. Like, they’re stuck and OK with that. Kinda reminds me of a bad John Cougar Meloncamp song. It’s a terrible, old views bubble, back woods town, just on a coast line. You either get out or die here. Yeah sure the suburbs are beautiful out here, but if you Don’t have the For Real Money to live in suburbia, you’re stuck in a less than mediocre city. Do you find love, goals, or genuine relationships of any kind in that environment? Not me, I’m too real to be living so fake. Sure I’ve met a sprinkle of great people out here but none that are A1. I love Jersey I do. You can have any atmosphere you desire within a 20-40 minute drive! Other than that, I wanna know how people are living in Other cities. Are folks plastic everywhere, or is it just the east, (and west) coasts?

Maybe I’m looking for a different smell, a different flavor to get myself back! A new love affair in a new city city, sans winter. A New Yorker I’ll always be. Frank Sinatrea said if I can make it there I’ll make it anywhere. That’s all the gas I need now. Better get going…

 

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EXsposed

“Love can mend your life, and Love can break your heart.” – Sting. (Message in a bottle).

I wonder, if he calls All his ex’s like he does me.

“i jus wanted to hear your voice”.. After a hang up, 3 missed calles, and the call me back asap. Important, text. (I hate it when he knows I’ll call him back after that😒🔒😤).   

I can’t lie, a part of me #Loves his adoration; until…😔.. Anyway,

Do you think he tells them, “you’re mine forever. I’m your number 1. There’s only me for you”? …and all the rest he says. Did🙈. Does!?!🙉 🙊🙈. 

Lol, he prolly does. Matter o fact, I can almost gaurentee it. (So UnOriginal). 😕👎.  (Such a turn off😕👎).

Do you think he attempts to swirl his tounge around the straw, and make suggestive gestures with his lips, mouth, tounge and, when he wants their attention? Lol probably. He always does it to me. 😂! He’ll never know what I really think. Funny thing is, really that’s all he cares about. The best part is, I can care Less. The sad part? Those bottom feeders believe him. Ha! If only they knew..😆😎🙊. 

About 4 years ago, he put his hand around my neck. Pressed me up against the wall in that hallway on Myrtle, and got breath to breath. He told me, “you ain’t neva leavin me”.. He’s so dramatic♌️.😖. Love him I do, it just hurts too much. No one needs Any of that. 💃💃! His mouth is the Worst. So I say he might have pimp tendendancies🙇. Nah. He’s just abusive and insecure.💁

Funny how things change, yet they stay the same. Seems I run from, and he runs to.. I Had a dependancy to run to him when my world got too real. But him Never being there when it count, made me never need him. I’m sober off him now. That addiction, afliction, is past. It scares him the most; but he’ll get over it.  

 No wait!! Do you think he bends down and kisses them on the cheek n forehead, like he does me? The only reson I blush is because it was him at his truest, to me. A moon ago, I used to kiss his forehead when I left out while he was asleep.. It woke him just enough to know. (God how I love that🙇. Le Sigh😌💏😩😄..😒).

Eh fuck it. Girls go. Go on and have em. Have all his tornado storm mess, housed in a half presented package. Please Neva forget, at the root of his heart, there’s me. A piece of his soul? That’s me too.. Don’t be mad, cuz I never asked for this position. It just happened.. To the both of us. #NowWereEven #TheEnd .

I’m Sure he tells you the same thing.

Only this time though, he ment it… Only after I left him. (O the irony😩😤).😎.    

   End Game 

The secret to my success, is learning how to be alone and happy, with myself. Doing for myself, and making, myself.. None of that said him. So here I am on my own two. Overall, do you know how long I been happy for? Since I let him go. 

I am human though, so I had to ask. Do you think he does to them, what he did/does to me? 

Probably. Don’t believe the hype girls..

No points for being unoriginal..  

My world turned, so I left him there. I’m sure he says what he says, to all the girls. How boring. How typical.

….NEXT!!

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Next Chapter.. Decisions, Dick and Liquer.

I swear, if only, I wrote down all the shit I came up with drunk, I’d have a book deal…😤 Anyhow…

It’s 1am in my city. I’m outta work early for a wednesday night. Since I don’t have my balcony, fire escape, or my old stoop😔, I’m decompressing outside at a lil spot down the block. Sangria? Check✔️..

As an impressive mixologist😎; Lately, I’ve been entertaining sO many people, that on my off time, all I wanna do is be alone. I’m self sufficient, I learned how to be.. Any limelight now, can be a lonely place when you’re searching for pure. Fun? Yes, Lots😍👌. Things get boring after awhile though. Dick is everywhere, (So is the Liquer😐), yet I don’t want none really. I’m bored with fucking, it’s so easy. Not all of it worth it. If I’ve learned anything in the past 6 months, is that convienience, is the devil😕. The struggle is real💩. 

 I had this one, let’s call him Not Important. When he was with me; that’s all there was for him. When I wasn’t with him, he made ways to be in my presence. I delt and let him eat my kitty cuz I was bored.. He rubbed  my head, touched me like I was his teenage dream. His kisses, so pure. You’d swear he was tryina make up for all I been through. If I knew better, I’d tell you this is the kinda man I should aquire. Yet.. Well.. Honestly? Sometimes, He irks my every nerve, and sceeves me out😰. Not cuz he seemed “decent enough”, it’s cuz he’s a creep and 3/4 crazy! (😰😷😖) . He’s really a good guy though. Just not for me. I can’t settle here.  😕🔒🔒⏳⏳.. 🙇 Maybe I need to start fucking that winter dick again. That was good at least; and no strings. He was a mess too though. Seems guys can’t have a good sex game, And be accomplished too. For shame.

The other one, I tell you he’s not important too. Yet somehow, my heart had been wrestling for a few years. He’s a hot mess of man issues I have no care to fix. He too sceeves me sometimes but.. Anyway, Thank God that’s over. I’m looking forward to my next new love.

In the #meantime, there’s liquer, sex, and nightlife.😐..

I’m thinkin, Most men, drive me crazy. They never listen. They get All stuck on themselves, and stuck in Their feelings; Then flip it on the woman. She this She that!  NO,  #SHE jus rejected you in some way; and now u Feel some type a way💁. Phuck all you hoes👊. #JustTheFacts  . The “relationships” that have been offered in the past several months, are none I care to entertain; simple. Not the, she’s single so there’s something wrong shit. Why settle for title sake? Not me, we’d wind up hating each other, and I’d shit all over you😕… Pac wasn’t lying when he said, ” I’m so harsh, because I’m so sensitive”..    I can relate😒. A blessing and a curse; So I ride..  #YouAintShit 

 Le Dear John …

#DearBoys📝📝 Fuck yo feelings. J Last time I checked, I was single😳👏😎. Get TF Out ch’YR feelings🔐…  Fuck the other ones feelings cuz he fell in love, and I didn’t. Fuck the crazy AND Delusional bitches🚷🚯😷. Phuck this one, that one👆; that one,👇 And that ones,👉 feelings too. Fuck the men that love me, yet be somewhere else. Fuck the ones that pull petty ish for a girls attention. Fuck that ex that ALWAYS comes back, and throws a monkey wrench when you’re most happy, & off him😤.  O And the other ones too! 👉Mad cuz I won’t fuck you, like you, text you, call you talk to you, make time for you. Actin like I lied. I told you I was busy! If it was me reading the signs, I’d say yall the extra, not us… (In my mortal kombat voice) – Harley, Wins👊😌🎎..

 I’d tell you I felt bad; but I don’t. J told me, “everyone gets hurt sometimes”. He has to be right. Right? I had my turn already, now it’s theirs. I’m not lookin for restitution, I’m lookin for reciprocation. My mind’s made up, no turning back. Anyone trampled on (unintentionally), in the #Meantime; my condolences……Really…..

When I die, let em know, all I wanted to do in life is create art. And die Full, with a smile on my face✊.. 

      Over a few Coronas and Jameson, my Brazillian friend told me, he’s looking for substance too. He said, “I’m charming in Brazillian”. That made sense to me. I can be charming in english, yet it’s draw holds no weight for me. It’s boring. He concured. At least I know somewhere out here, there are still men who want substance. Just not the ones I choose😒.. 

Sex got sO boring with one, I asked him to choke me. I thought trying something new would make me interested. He sucked  at it. He layed down and asked me to get on top. I told him, ‘I don’t ride lame dick’. Then fell asleep.. I bagged him several times after that too. Bordom n convienience😶. How can I respect you, when you don’t respect yourself? 😐. I can’t respect myself if I kept up a charade.  Does any of this make sense to you? 

Last night, I had an aquaintances’ beer muscles tell me all about myself😒. Although it was nice to recieve compliments on my woman; this is the type of ish that irks me. In a nutshell, I should have a stable man; I’m too independant. Maybe but; true or false? 👉Life teaches us NOT to, depend on others..? True. So that’s what I do. Maybe it is harsh for some to handle. It’s not impenetrable though. All it takes is the right one. He who Knows how to handle (me), and himself.. Tell em I’m lookin for em🌾👀🌾💩.  

  I’ve seen and know, Over the top women who stand in their own way. I’m not her. Show me a good man that I’m attracted to, and I’ll show him the best.   I’ll comprimise to coexist because I want to. In the #meantime, there’s liquer sex and night life..😶   

   

….there’s more to life than this…      Back to this pitcher of Sangria😐……😕….😌👍… Buenos noche cruel world. 

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War Paint

(I may have written this two years ago, but it’s relevance is infinite). #DontBeARacist

Pretty Logic X

Note to reader. If you are sensitive to race related conversation, this entry is not for you.This writting is in NO way discriminatory to any person, of any race or culture. Simply, it is my story. My experience, and what I’ve been through. If any of that may be offensive to you, kindly keep it movin.

It took me a long time to be comfortable in my skin. Even now I have my moments. But still, I know who I am. No one can define me, and only God can judge me. Even with that, when you’re being discriminated against by someone you loved, it hurts even more.

Being that we’re speaking on “race”, I see it fitting to tell you a little about me. I’m half puerto rican, half irish. A sliver american indian. Fair skin, blonde hair, green eyes; it wasn’t until I started dying my hair black two…

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